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Fish, chips, cup o’ tea, Mary Poppins, and now you lucky Brit bastards have one more thing to claim to your name: awesome exclusive PokerStars bonuses!

For all of May of ’09, PokerStars will be rewarding its UK players with tons of free VIP Player Points (VPPs). Make it to ‘Nova, and you will be rewarded with awesomely crazy things like bonuses worth $4K in cash, entry to big money tourneys like the monthly $100K freeroll, and also exclusive items from the PokerStars VIP Store such as concierge service and even the Porsche Cayman sports car.

Here is the gist of the craziness in May that will happen for you lucky Brits. You will be able to make the jump from Bronzestar to Silverstar for only 250VPPs, when you’d normally need to earn 1,200. That is almost 5 times as fast!

But it gets better. Earn 1,200 VPPs in May, which would usually earn you Silverstar level, and your account will be insta-credited with an amazing 60,000 VEE PEE PEES! UNBELIEVABLE! This is a huge boost on your way to supernova!

Rewards will be credited to players’ accounts by June 3.

You can get a better outline of all the VPP giveaway greatness in the following table:

VPPs required in May & Reward
7,500+ ——— 80,000 VPPs added to your account
3,000-7,499 —- 70,000 VPPs added to your account
1,200-2,999 —- 60,000 VPPs added to your account
750-1,199 —— Upgraded to Platinum (usually requires 7,500 VPPs)
500-749 ——- Upgraded to Gold (usually requires 3,000 VPPs)
250-499 ——- Upgraded to Silver (usually requires 1,200 VPPs)

But wait! It still gets better! As part of the UK MAY VIP Special offer (I would prefer if they call it the May UK VIP Bonanza or VPP Giveaway) PokerStars is also adding cash credits to the VIP Store, making it so players get immediate rewards by reaching certain milestones. Thanks to the status upgrade, you will experience the PokerStars VIP Store the way it’s meant to be experienced, and you will see what you have been missing all this time. You will only be able to get each bonus once per milestone cleared.

FPP credits         Instant Cash Credit
10,000 ————– $160
1,000 —————- $16
500 —————— $8

Now comes an incredulous question: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? START PLAYING NOW! IT IS ONLY AFTER ALL THE BEST SITE EVER WITH THE BEST BONUS IN HISTORY, OR I’LL MOVE TO LONDON MYSELF! CALL THE EMBASSY, AND WHERE IS COUSIN AVI?