Update time.

I've been thinking a bit lately about what I'm actually getting out of poker and grinding just now and how it's affecting me. I'm not playing anywhere near as well as I potentially can right now. The reason for this is that my BR is too crucial to the next few months of my life. This is getting cashed out in 1 month anyways to contribute to going travelling this summer. In my head I know it's not a permanent roll and my achievement or lack of in poker will have a fairly siginificant affect on how much I have to spend when travelling.

I have a fear that losing money/running bad could potentially hurt what I've earned over the past 2 months (£560). The realness of this BR to my life right now is making me stack off way too light, tilt without realising, and try to control what I cannot control. This is fucking bad for my game and my attitude to poker. I play shit when running badly - I tilted today crazily and had to stop after dropping nearly 4 BIs. I play well if I'm having a good session and horribly if having a bad one. This money is just too real to me and I don't feel rolled for the stakes I'm playing (even though I technically am) because I can't afford to lose this BR or even a good chunk of it.

I've sort of abandoned the goal of this thread becasue I'm not willing to risk anymore than £60 more of my roll. I think when I get back to the UK in August I'll deposit a good amount at my first available chance and grind 25NL with much more focus and dsicipline. I need to be detached from my BR to play well. When I play with fear and stress, I play badly.

So my decision. If I drop to below £500, I cash out and be done with the grind till August. This is to preserve my own enjoyment for poker and believe me I fucking love this game. I don't look forward to playing right now and do it somewhat out duty. It seems my mentality is often more of that of a gambler than a poker player because I'm emotionally affected by this money that acts as my BR . It's only really today I've had the clarity to realise what has been causing the bad stack offs and the thoughtless emotional decisions. I know that when I have a BR that is once again totally separate from my life, that I'll be able to feel like I'm risking nothing and concentrate fully on making the right play like I have in the past.

I'm going to fit in some time to play some hands tomorrow, and just see what happens. I'll play emotionally immune from the impact of losing since I know I will not drop any lower than £500. This means I can play logically and well. If I lose over £60, so be it. I'm going to have to take at least a 3 month break from poker anyways, so fuck it, I'll be back after the summer with more ambition than ever so this wont phase me.

The goal of this OP is still relevant, although now unlilkely. If I don't drop to below my quitting threshold, I will strive to make it to 50NL in the next month. I obviously now can't handle any variance at all, but that's okay.

I refuse to play poker when it's affecting me emotionally and fucking with my worrying mind. Sorry to all that've been following my OP for this outbreak of random defeatism, (if you see it as that, I don't) but I think playing with the aim of making a set amount of money for a specific real life cause in a predefined short amount of time is a bad idea for an OP as it assumes to a certain extent that I will run above average for this duration of time. My OP title in August when I come back to FTR and poker will be "Carroter's Poker Career" or something to that effect. I fully intend to be a successful professional poker player, no matter how long it takes. Just now is just a bad time mentally for me to be dedicating a shitload of time to it because it's obviously affecting me emotionally in a shit way.

I'll update this tomorrow after my session and let y'all know where the BR's at and if I'm busto or not! I do believe I'll play a lot better than I have been and will enjoy my session though. I'm fucking glad I've made this choice tonight.

This is a total ramble and sounds dramatic prolly, but it's not intended to. I guess I just have a dramatic style of writing. If poker doesn't work out I'd like to be an author so there's a side aim fwiw.

Thanks to all for you're support through this thread and sorry if this seems ott and against the spirit of having an OP in the first place. it's in no way a Slevinesque meltdown, but a logical choice I feel the need to rant to you guys about. FTR rocks and I will defo be logging my entire poker career on this site when it begins. Peace for now.

Da Carrot Man imo.