I just played 272 hands of nl200 and lost 775$

2 hands were 100bb tilt-spews. They were just completely gross. I wanna vomit.

I shouldn't have even been playing since I was really really tired.

Also I think a lot of subconscious tilt is the result of built-up anger at myself for my shitty ass results in poker that are all due to a lack of commitment and motivation.

The way this comes out when I'm in this mood is a completely "fuck it" attitude. If you have a tough time imagining what I'm talking about, I mean things like this :

$200 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Monday, January 21, 20:40:41 ET 2008
Table Table 127374 (No DP) (Real Money)
Seat 5 is the button
Total number of players : 6
Seat 3: Folke_Filbyt ( $142.15 USD )
Seat 4: BabbaSquad ( $419.19 USD )
Seat 5: HERO ( $200 USD )
Seat 6: ESAREGOOD ( $435 USD )
Seat 1: val60qq ( $34 USD )
Seat 2: Overdrink ( $200 USD )
ESAREGOOD posts small blind [$1 USD].
val60qq posts big blind [$2 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to HERO
Overdrink folds.
Folke_Filbyt folds.
BabbaSquad folds.
HERO raises [$7 USD]
ESAREGOOD raises [$25 USD]
val60qq folds.
HERO calls [$19 USD]
** Dealing Flop **
ESAREGOOD bets [$30 USD]
HERO calls [$30 USD]
** Dealing Turn **
ESAREGOOD bets [$80 USD]
HERO is all-In.
ESAREGOOD calls [$64 USD]
** Dealing River **
ESAREGOOD shows two pairs, Aces and Jacks.
HERO doesn't show two pairs, Nines and Eights.
ESAREGOOD wins $399 USD from the main pot with two pairs, Aces and Jacks.


What makes that hand even more expert was this hand that happened a few orbits earlier :

$200 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Monday, January 21, 20:32:01 ET 2008
Table Table 127374 (No DP) (Real Money)
Seat 5 is the button
Total number of players : 4
Seat 3: Folke_Filbyt ( $179.15 USD )
Seat 4: BabbaSquad ( $204.41 USD )
Seat 5: HERO ( $203.15 USD )
Seat 6: ESAREGOOD ( $198 USD )
ESAREGOOD posts small blind [$1 USD].
Folke_Filbyt posts big blind [$2 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to HERO
BabbaSquad folds.
HERO raises [$7 USD]
ESAREGOOD raises [$25 USD]
Folke_Filbyt folds.
HERO calls [$19 USD]
** Dealing Flop **
ESAREGOOD checks.
HERO checks.
** Dealing Turn **
ESAREGOOD bets [$36 USD]
HERO raises [$72 USD]
ESAREGOOD is all-In.
HERO calls [$100 USD]
** Dealing River **
HERO shows a pair of Fours.
ESAREGOOD shows a pair of Jacks.
ESAREGOOD wins $396 USD from the main pot with a pair of Jacks.

A good poker playing friend was railing this short meltdown and I think he hit the nail on the head when he said "it looks like you're punishing yourself".

There's a lot of truth to that and the only way of getting by it is by playing the hands, putting in the time and striving towards the results I know I'm capable of.

Playing at nl200 where the stakes are just low enough that spewing a few buyins doesn't faze me is not what I want to be doing.

Finally, a reminder of just how badly I own nl200. Here are my last 2 sessions, totalling just under 1k hands :