Some of you might remember me and the last operation I attempted. If not, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the guy who checks the bottom line every day. You know, that results oriented guy. I'm the guy who fails to comprehend the concept of long-term. I'm that angsty guy that wears his emotions on his sleeve, needlessly putting himself at the mercy of variance and perceiving it as something he should have control over. I'm the guy who grinds for 6 months, faces adversity, gets discouraged, quits for a year, then comes back to repeat the cycle. I'm that guy who is afraid to fail.

I don't want to be that guy anymore.

I was never a great player, but my panic and self-doubt was unwarranted. I grinded my way up from 5nl to 50nl. Granted, it was at the micros, but I was still a winning player. I'm not exactly sure what went wrong when I got to 50nl, but I suspect that it was simply one downswong that led to an overreaction, which resulted in a state of permatilt. There were some leaks in my game for sure, but I think these may have been amplified by a self-defeatist attitude.

How can I avoid this from happening again? I'd like to think that I could develop some mental toughness, and overcome the irrational anxiety of short term results. But that is easier said than done. I'm probably exaggerating a bit about my being a pussy, but there are some personal issues at play here that can not be corrected overnight. It's going to take some work.

For now, I'm going to take the easy way out. I'm going to ignore the results altogether. I've removed $ and BBs earned from the reports page of HEM, and I'm going to shield myself from even being aware of results for as long as possible. There are many variables about this game that are beyond my control, but one thing I can practice is the art of not giving a fuck. My singular focus will be playing a lot of hands and improving my game. For now, that's all that really matters anyway. If I do it the right way, good results will follow. I'm a smart guy. I have confidence in myself to learn, grow, move up to the midstakes, and crush them.

My obsession with tables and graphs had another detrimental consequence; it took all the wonder and joy out of the game for me. Agonizing over swongs made poker a painful chore. I will not do myself such a disservice any longer. From this point on, I will embrace the learning experience and have some fun!

In my last operation thread I set monetary goals, posted hands, and whined a lot. I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to chronicle here, but it will probably have a more light-hearted tone. I think I'll post most of my hands in the BC since they'll get more exposure there. This thread may actually have very little in the way of content, come to think of it. I guess the main reason I'm posting this here is because there are a few very nice people on FTR that have lent me moral support in the past, and by making my intentions public, I provide myself with extra motivation to soldier on.

I'm back. And hopefully, this time, I'm here to stay.