Chainsaw Massacre

Part IV in an inspirational series about poker.

When I don't post much on my blog or the forums, you can't count on this: I'm running bad. I don't like giving advice when I'm certain I suck at poker. And right now I'm certain.

I ran bad, then compounded it by donky-donk spewing. I coughed up so many chips I hit my stop loss, and I'm back at NL10. I took a few hours off for thinking. I used the time to crank up my chainsaw and hack down a tree. I cut a bunch of deadfalls, hauled wood and then cranked the chainsaw up again. Felt good. Nothing like firing up a tool that can rip off an arm to take your mind off your troubles. Poker this week reminds me of the song by Three Days Grace.

Pain - without love.
Pain - can't get enough.
Pain - without love.
I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
I love this game.

Here are some thoughts I had while tearing things up with my chainsaw. To put it in context, most of my spewing is due to aggression in the wrong spots. Not folding when I know I'm beaten. I get impatient and shove over the top against a fishy villain. Problem is, the fish was playing like he had some cards finally. And I knew it. And spewed. And then wanted to go throw up. And I'm not writing this for you. I'm writing it for me, 'cuz I suck at poker and have the gashed bankroll to prove it! But these are some things I realized I was doing wrong.

1. The destructive power of the chainsaw requires a delicate touch.

If you've never used a chainsaw before, you'll probably be surprised how complex it is. Adjust the chain. To tight and it binds up. To loose and it can derail and rip your head off. And since cutting heats it up, it expands. So you make a couple of cuts and work with a wrench and screwdriver for five minutes, getting it just right. Then you can cut again. Five more cuts and you're back for some bar oil. Three more cuts and the chain is loose again. Damn, got it too tight, so five more minutes fiddling with screwdriver and wrench. Less than a third of the time you're working with a chainsaw are you actually ripping into anything.

Kinda like poker.

I can't just overshove. I have to fine tune the table conditions, wait on some cards, find a flop that works. And the villain folds. So it's back to work with the wrench and screw driver, patiently getting all the conditions right again. Yes, the chainsaw has it place in poker, ripping into villains' stacks with a raw ferocity. But using it at the right time - that requires a deft and delicate touch.

2. Using a chainsaw requires physical strength.

You'd think, if you've never used one, that a chainsaw would cut through a tree like a hot knife through butter. Only if it's a soft wood like pine or rotten wood - and even then it can be difficult. But try hacking your way through a live hardwood trunk, and you're in for moderate test of physical endurance. Your hand's gripping the trigger, yanking the saw back when the chain binds up, forcing it back down in the cut in different positions, working millimeter by millimeter through the tree. Get it notched. Head to the back side. Wait for the wind to stop blowing - the tails of trees falling the wrong way are hilarious and frequent, and this tree was near my house. Then pull back on the trigger and go for it.

You have to stay quick on your feet. When the tree starts to go, you keep the saw running but get ready to dodge. You have to get the saw and yourself out of the way. If you're unlucky, it falls toward you. You get about a second for a quick step, or a tree that weighs over a ton lands on your sorry ass. And you're trying to avoid the chainsaw running full tilt. Using a chainsaw is definitely not as easy as it looks.

Kinda like poker.

I know I can beat this game, but let's not forget all the work and constant awareness that is required. Just because I own all the poker power tools that exist doesn't mean winning will be easy. I have to keep working hard, using my brain and my knowledge to get the power tools zeroed in and ready to roar.

3. If the chain's too loose, it can kill you.

Just like with poker, tight is less dangerous than loose. Too tight and saw the binds up, refusing to run. If you don't loosen up, it can ruin the chainsaw. But it won't kill you.

But when the chain starts sagging, you're in dangerous territory. Inside a cut, there's a lot of force throwing the blades around. The saw can kick and jump, and if the chain is just that fraction too loose, those forces heave it off the bar. Yep. The shit just hit the fan. It gets worse. Cutting loosens the chain, and stopping a cut in the middle is often just as dangerous - or more - than continuing with a loose chain. But it takes several minutes to tighten up the chain, working with wrench and screwdriver on a blade and bar that are searing hot. So you try to get that last cut in before stopping.

Just like me and poker. Just one more cbet, even though I know it's wrong. Just one more 3bet, even though this villain is TAGG. Just one more all-in semibluff with too few outs - it's worked twice already. I've had the chain come off my saw once, and I was lucky. I was through the cut and off the throttle, and the log rolled a bit, binding and grabbing the chain. As the chain eased to idle, it came off the bar, about six inches from my leg. Since then, I stop cutting a lot earlier, and I make damn sure I have everything perfect before I cut. Just like me and poker. Except poker has ripped my leg off a few times, metaphorically at least. And getting too loose is almost always the problem.

Those thoughts are my "chainsaw chronicles." I've taken 10 hours off from poker, planned my moves, tried to learn from the pain. Now I'm headed back to the tables. I just can't get enough of this game, even when it kicks me in the balls. "Pain - without love..."

Now let's tighten up that chain and go win some money playing poker!!

Robb

The author is a poker enthusiast, not a poker expert. And is probably full of crap.