Thanks Erpel, it's not tilt though it's a gambling mentality. As soon as I allow my game to be about short term profit I gamble, that's something I hadn't been doing for most of this Op. My power of focus and will power was weakened when I drank alcohol the other day. I really think it's as simple as that. I wasn't tilted. At no point was I slamming the button down or muttering obscenities at myself. My main issue isn't tilt, it's realising that 'gambling' is not a sustainable means of generating income (well not for me at least).
Why do I blog? No I don't desire to fail and enjoy the consequent beratement in some kind of masochistic fashion. I enjoy writing, I enjoy reading, I enjoy discussing things, and I enjoy reading where I've been and where I'm going. I enjoy the poker community here at FTR that's why I blog.
I was quite truthful when I mentioned I hadn't been 'gambling' for the last 12 months or so and wasn't really lying to myself. I meant intentional gambling of course, and didn't put poker into the same bracket. That aside, I am down probabally about $1600 since I started playing poker 8 months ago, I haven't actually checked exactly. I have placed single bets for more than that in the past, so when I say I haven't been gambling these past 12 months or so It's from that kind of background. I've actually had a reduced income these past eight months or so which helped - you can't bet what you haven't got. Once I had got out of the habbit of betting regularly I didn't even realise the fact that I was hardly betting at all, it's only really this OP and recent events that have made me even think about these things.
Why do people bet? Partly for the excitment I guess, partly because they want to improve their life situation. Partly because they can not differentiate the short term from the long term. Partly because they are looking for a quick fix to deeper problems of life.
Poker provides abudant financial freedom, and subsequently is more than capable of improving life quality. But only if it is treated as a profession and played professionaly. As soon as you play outside of a bankroll or in the wrong frame of mind you are no longer playing it professionaly you are simply transforming it into a vehicle for gambling. That is what I have realised thanks to this blog, my previous failed attempts and the recent responses.
I found your analysis of my ops into stages of increasing tension/revelatation à propos a soap opera/play quite amusing, nh.
Most Shakespearian tragedies have a cartharsis of sorts throughout the main, so that by the end the central character is able to come to some sort of insight about the world and or himself. I think we've past the Lear rambling on the heath stage now and are moving inextricably towards the dénouement - I'm fairly certain the cartharsis is well underway and through the process of listening to people here as I've attempted to develop into a winning player I have gained considerably both in myself, and as a poker player. As we reach the closing chapters I'm working harder than ever to ensure that my transformation into winning poker player is a success. Continuing with the play metaphor I quite like the thought that this journey may in some small way prove didactic for those starting out on the poker journey say 2-3 years from now, that might be hampered by like problems of self-discipline and approach. If I can develop into a winning player earning decent money from poker in spite of the mental hurdles I have had to over come, then I'm fairly certain anyone can. I haven't done so yet of course, far from it, but I'm definately alot further on than I was eight months ago even if my BR might tell a different story at the moment. I'm going to continue to do everything within my power to ensure the success of this and future OPs.
Thanks for that invite btw Erpel, Keith pm'd me about some software - I appreciate it, I'll be there, thanks!
