So....I came within $20 of $1600 last night (the point where I can move away from fucking 25NL (hopefully for good.) Unfortunately though, it didn't happen I ran 4 BIs under All in EV in like 800 hands and dropped a few BIs. I dropped another couple today by playing shit and getting coolered for medium sized pots. So the BR now = $1478 again and I'm like 6BIs away.

This is really irritating because I feel that after my break from poker and last year and my history of playing underolled and tilted in the past couple of years, I've just failed through my own laziness and lack of sel control to get what I can actually get out of this game. I know I could be at such a higher limit if I'd stuck in through the last couple of years, admitted my flaws far sooner and practiced proper tiltless BR managment. Now that I feel I'm finally doing everything as right as I can be, I'm getting impatient and that mental desperation is seeping back becasue I came so close to moving up and failed. It's fucking retarded though because it's mainly just variane and I know I'll get there pretty damn soon. I just wish I could stop my play suffering as a result of my state of mind.

I need to fucking distance myself from results ffs, why do I find it so fucking hard to do this?

I suck at volume because I suck at keeping my A game going for long periods of time. I suck at dedication and admitting I'm a lazy self convincing fuck at times.

I'm beating 25NL for like 5.4BB/100 over 34K hands. I'm not overly happy with this at all, but it's showing promise and I feel I have ran below average overall. What's wrong with what I've just said? It prooves exactly my problem. I care about my win rate and my short term results.

I swear it's the most counter productive thing ever. When this depserate impatient emotional thought pattern gets in it reeks havock by making me play worse and recklessly to try and win more money in the short term. Now I don't go nuts or lose complete control like I used to, far far from it. It''s the feeling of "omg maybe I should just stack off look at his fold to 3 bet % over 60 hands!" These self convincing excuses to make what I know deep down is the wrong choice. This is what bothers me the most.

Tomorrow class finishes by 3. So I'ma start grinding at 3.30. I'm going to play with no IRC, MSN, FTR etc for 3 hours till 6.30pm. No more than 5 tables and completely focussed. Moreover, I am not allowed to check my BR at all unless I feel I am nearing the stop loss which will be 4 BIs. I am not allowed to check it 1 fucking time - not once. Nor am I allowed to let short term results influence my play or my state of mind. I've built this fucking roll up pretty fast from $575. I know I can build it much further so I really need to stop obsessing over short term results and what they've done to my fucking win rate or graph in HEM. I know all this. Why the fuck can't I implement it.

So tomorrow's LAWS that I cannot break.

1. No more than 5 tables.

2. No distraction of any form whatsoever.

3. Take my time over every decision and think objectivley as if I have no emotion.

4. play for 3 hours befroe dinner and 2 hours after dinner MINIMUM.

5. Don't ever check the BR EVER unless nearing stop loss.

6. I will update this OP after the session to organise and discipline my mind.

The reason I write all this is for self therapy. I need to drum it right the hell in to my lazy self convincing skull. I will use my potential, I will not let emotion stand in the way of my aspirations. I will be strong and logical in all situations.

I will be as robotic as iopq, god rest his FTR soul.

Peace all.