Daytime chat show style dilemma

[rong]

So I'm at work and I get a call from my girlfriend. Her friend has been over (our friend really, but the female half of a couple we know really well) and it somehow came out that the guy in the couple is really abusive to her, like full on mental and verbal abuse (not violent) and it's been going on for over 6 months. He once spat in her face, so as I say it's pretty full on abuse imo, but mostly just verbal, but really nasty in the way that someone in a relationship will always know how to do to the other and also frequently calling her a cunt and shit, which lets face it, no normal person would do. Not sure how long they will last, but what do I know.

Anyway, prior to this bit of info I would have said this guy is probably one of the nicest guys I know or indeed have ever met, a genuine good friend I've known and relied on for years. I knew him first, but then got to know his wife (was gf then) and consider both of them good friends, the kind I would go to for advice and vice versa. This kind of behaviour is really out of characher, although he has always had a bit of a temper, but more quick to have a hissy fit than to be nasty. She has tried to draw it to his attention but he just dismisses it, she suggested councilling but he wasn't interested.

So my dilemma, should I do anything about it? Should I say something? My gf asked if she could tell me and the girl said yes but tell him not to say anything to the guy, but should I anyway? I feel like perhaps I should, and I quite want to. But maybe it's none of my damn business, and worst case scenario, I say something, he gets pissed about it and takes it out on her when he gets home.

I know they have been through a major hard time emotionally over the last year or so through some serious and personal problems regarding their kids and I also think they are struggling for money a bit (but not like losing your house strugling, just not doing as well as they were), so I guess they are having a hard time, so I can perhaps understand if things are a bit tough and he tends to come home and vent, but the details I got seemed pretty full on.

If I was being a complete cock to my mrs and one of my friends found out, I'd expect them to draw it to my attention and tell me to sort myself out.

So, what's your thoughts?

[PapalRage]

anyone who spits in the face of a woman needs to get help in the form of an intervention or a fist to the face. since the latter won't help too much in the long run, i'd say talk to this person (with other people to support you who also know whats going on if possible). the wife may have said don't say anything to him, but abused women make rationalizations.

good luck, sounds like a real shitty situation to know about/ deal with.

[Vinland]

Not your job to bring it up imo....

Talk with the girl, work with her and get her to do something about it. Ultimately the guy may never change, but the girl needs to empower herself to not put up with that shit. Help her to look after herself.

[BennyLaRue]

How big is this guy?

[rong]

How big is this guy?

Bout the same as me

[BooG690]

Not your problem. Stay out of it. You're just looking for a messy situation and a lost friend.

Also, I thought cunt was a compliment over in England?

[wufwugy]

Different situations are different, different people handle things differently, but if it were me, I'm guessing I would make sure he knows that if he does it in front of me or if I hear complaints from his wife/gf, even via proxy, there will be hell to pay

Personally, I have less feelings towards honor and doing the right thing or whatever, and more towards just not wanting to fraternize with somebody that low. If friendship was strong enough, I'd do something to fix it, if friendship was not, I'd cut them off

[wufwugy]

Also, the whole 'your gf can tell you but don't say anything to him' is bullshit. If she didn't want the possibility of drama or help then she wouldn't say anything in the first place. Women are subtle about the things they want to see the light of day, and very secretive of the things they don't

[jyms]

If the women wants help then fine. Most of the time, your just gonna be the bad guy and she will stay with him. This won't get fixed by anyone getting beat.

[rong]

She definitely doesn't want his ass kicked and I have no intention of doing it.

It's more a case of should i talk to him about it, make sure he is aware of how he is behaving, how she really feels, and make sure that he is not rationalising his behavior. Maybe him having someone to talk to would help in itself. This wouldn't be such a big deal if they weren't both such good friends.

But even though they are friends, perhaps it's still none of my business.

I don't know, was round their house tonight for dinner and all seemed fine, they seemed great together, telling stories and both getting excited as they each tell their part, like a normal happy couple. It's not like she lives in fear or anything, it's just from time to time he acts like a complete cunt. (I feel I'm over using that word but it just sums it up perfectly imo)

[a500lbgorilla]

That's certainly a plan, but I don't think you'll buck him of his habits. The best thing for you, ignorant of others, is to just tell him that if these accusations are true, you simply don't respect him as a man and you're simply not friends.

He needs to figure his own stuff out, but there's probably nothing you can do about all the fucked up that his shit is.

[kiwiMark]

take him coasteering

[a500lbgorilla]

That's certainly a plan, but I don't think you'll buck him of his habits. The best thing for you, ignorant of others, is to just tell him that if these accusations are true, you simply don't respect him as a man and you're simply not friends.

He needs to figure his own stuff out, but there's probably nothing you can do about all the fucked up that his shit is.

I should add: but I don't know him and I don't know your group, so you're certainly right to feel free to do as you like.