only fights i've ever been in were in elementary school, but they weren't fist fights, they were "jump on my back while i was walking away then succeed in getting destructed by me until an adult broke it up."

i work with two gay guys; both want me. one likes to show me all the money he makes, the other likes to challenge me to wrestling matches.

when i was 16 i once gave a half a can of surge to this chick who i later found out put it in her Steve Shrine and kept it for years.

driving to school this one day, my friend was running his mouth like usual, but i got exceptionally pissed and pulled over, got out, opened the passenger door, told him to get out so i can kick his ass, he said no, i said it again, he said no, i shut the door, got back in the driver's seat and said nothing for the rest of the ride, after school i just left him there, his parents picked him up a few hours later. after that, he never, ever disrepected me again.

this one time my friend told me my jeans were cool and he wanted me to show him which ones they were, so we went to the store and i showed him the pants, he said "these aren't them," i said "that's them," he said, "but these are dark blue, yours are light and faded," i said "that's them." my friend then realized that every day he'd seen me for the last six months i had been wearing the same pair of jeans.

in 7th grade i got the worst beat in a wrestling match ever. guy slammed me on my face about 50 times and the next day my face looked like id been beaten with a shovel. a few months later, after the school season i joined freestyle wrestling, but went there just for more collegiate wrestling practice. the guy who destroyed me during the school season was there too. our coach knew we were both the best in our weight class so he paired us. match after match, i beat him, over and over. he was quite pissed. that was his 8th year wrestling, my 2nd. i did the same thing to his younger brother one year previous.

i once thought this chick was so fine and so cool that i forgot that she had a messed up grill. after being reminded of her asymetrical teeth, i realized that i didn't care.

when i was young and acted like a pussy the only chicks who wanted me were fat and insecure. now that i have a much nicer physique and i dont act like a pussy, fat/insecure chicks are too shy to express their interest, yet hot chicks aren't.

many people i work with didn't like me at first, but taht's okay because im awesome and i know it and i knew that i'd wear on them, and now they like me a lot.

in 6th grade, my first year wrestling, at wrestling practice we used to do this thing where we'd gather in a large circle from lightest to heaviest, then the first two lightest would wrestle until one got a two-point takedown. then the next heaviest would wrestle the winner of the previous round. one time, at 86 pounds i beat at least a dozen guys in a row, got up into the heavyweights (fat 120 pound 12 year olds), was just a few guys shy of beating the entire team, but since i was feeling about 10 feet tall i shot in on one of the fatties and he sprawled his fatness over me and i collapsed.

that year, during our team awards ceremony i was surprised when i got the Most Improved Award. nobody else was.

i imagine that the only time i'll be able to tell my father how much i love him is when he's near death. that'll be one of the hardest things i'll ever do.

i call my best friend a douche all the time. he thinks it's funny, i think it's funny, but he really is a douche.

i hate kids, but i look forward to having my own and loving them.

i like poker. it's 100% random, but if you choose to make wise decisions based on expected value then you'll be a winner in the long term. much like life.

i'd pay $1000 to go one on one with Barry Sanders, and another $1000 to go one on one with Ray Lewis.

i often wonder how i'll want to die if i get really old. i think i might go to Scotland or some place and find i gigantic, secluded, beautiful, windy cliff and jump. maybe im just like that, or maybe it's because when i was 13 i jumped off a 40 foot cliff, landed on a boat, lived, and have wished that that'd killed me many times in the past.

im really funny, but you wouldn't know that if you dont have a sense of humor.