A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

What's the difference between Heather Mills and a Venus fly-trap?
A Venus fly-trap is a plant. Heather Mills is a cunt.

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me, "oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes, now fuck off you cunt!"

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?
Sexy kids.

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"
A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.
Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"

Apparently 60% of kids are overweight, and 70% of kids are having underage sex...
...so who is shagging all the fat kids?

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up,
She said I have to stop wanking,
When I asked why, she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "You're going to get laid tonight".
A bit surprised, she asks, "Really? How do you know that? Are you psychic?"
"No, I'm just stronger than you".

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.
The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:
"I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys"
The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:
"Out of what?"