I was thinking a real nerd would point you over here
http://www.gimp.org/ so you could do that yourself.

of course, the windows port is kind of wonky so you might want to look at
http://www.gentoo.org/ it will take a day or two to compile, but your machine will be crazy fast.

Then, you can't play poker on linux... so you'll need to get wine working. one of the sites might work. http://www.winehq.org/

oh yes, some sort of im... that was the point wasn't it?
http://gaim.sourceforge.net/ should do the trick.

basicly a nerd would give you vague tech support for a week while you trash your computer, then get it kindof working again, exept without sound....

i think mtbottle's way is probably better.