I wrote this a few years ago, when I first started playing cards. Maybe you get a kick out of it....

I Raise You and
Throw in a Baby

So hey, Texas Hold Em. Can't escape it. Somehow I took a wrong turn and found myself in Texas Hold-Em forest. People are everywhere, playing hold-em. "Five card stud anyone?" Fuck off, texas hold-em baby. It's a hold-em blowout, and everything must go. Your kid's school play? Gone. I have a tournament to attend Mildred. Monopoly? Gone, but thank christ for that one. Someone burn the pictionary. Are you in? I'm all in.

There are at least three networks broadcasting Texas Hold-Em tournaments 24/7. Did you notice? I'm surfing from cartoons to Night Rider, and BLAM!, some guy is sitting at a table pushing a giant stack of chips forward. I sat there thinking "Who the fuck does this guy think he is?" Shouldn't "all in" mean everything? I mean if your all in your all in. Your house, your car, your wife. Throw your baby in the jackpot if your so sure. Don't let it shit on the chips. All you want to put into the pot are those stupid chips. I want internal organs. It's your liver if you lose scumbag. Are you sure?"

The Plunge

Why am I saying all this? Well, I decided it was time. I must join this Texas Hold-Em club to find out what it's all about. I decided to give Texas Hold-Em a try, because it was annoying the shit out of me. A friend of a friend was holding a card game, and I know his friend so I joined. I had to make some calls, but I got it to happen. Actually. the guy was my fathers friend's dog's neighbors former roomates ex girlfriends bus driving childhood pedophile. I figured why judge him, he's holding a card game.

The first rule of Texas Hold-Em is don't bring lame snackfood if your the new guy. I thought it would be a good gesture to gift the leader of the Texas Hold-Em tribe upon joining, but found out he doesn't like cheese waffles. Little did he know I was bluffing anyway, and only got them because I knew I would be the only one eating them. He then realized I was bluffing and told me to give him some cheese waffles anyway. He just sat on a handful of them as if to mock the delightful taste of these delectable treats. I just looked at him like he was murdering a kitten. I then quickly busted out laughing about it on a semi-bluff, but the laugh seemed manufactured which gave away my poker face. Also, I kinda choked on a cheese waffle in the middle of it. Not one from under the guys ass, one from the original bag. I make it a policy to never eat snack food that touched some guy's ass. Nothing in my world is strict however.

So finally I sit down, get my chips, and get two cards dealt in front of me. I immediately scream a fucking Misdeal because I'm missing three cards. He says "You only get two douchebag." Apparently there's a secret language to the Texas Hold-Em tribe.

We say: "Allow me to explain"

They say: "You're fucking stupid"

We say: "Please post your bets"

They say: "Anti up asshole!"

We say: "I do believe you are bluffing"

They say: "You cocksucking liar. I'll eat your grandmothers head for lunch. I raise!"

We say: "Apparently my cards have defeated yours"

They say: "Read em and weep loser. Call your mother up, and tell her she's not the only one in the family I'm porking tonight ha ha!"

They always add "Ha ha" at the end of sentences when they win as well. That's the most frequent form of Texas Hold-Em punctuation. I think the one guy named Frank uses it too often...

Instead of:
"statement" (.)
"exclaimation" (!)
"interrogative" (?)

They have:
"You're getting porked" (Ha ha)
"I'm getting porked" (Uh oh)
"Time to rebuy" (What the fuck!)

Also, it's normal to act like a drunk cowboy shooting in the air when you get two kings. Unfortunately, someone got two queens and acted like Rupal walking the runway. It wasn't widely embraced. One guy named Todd seemed to enjoy it a little too much.

Also something I didn't know, is that if your cards are really bad you can't grab someone else's. At one point I got a 10 of diamonds and a 7 of spades. I grabbed Franks cards to see if could make a hand out of them since mine weren't making shit. He didn't like that. He pushed me "all out" of my chair and cheese waffles flew "all over" the place. It was almost like old Texas, except you would have to replace cheese waffles with whiskey.

He helped me back up when he realized I had really never played before. The damage was done however, and I knew I would have to sue. I theatened the lawsuit while pulling myself "back in" to the table.

He apologized in an attempt to reconcile out of fear of litigation. Apparently he didn't understand. I had no more cheese waffles, and I needed lawsuit funds to rebuy my snackfood. I agreed to settle for 15 of his red chips. He offered one white chip up my ass. I decided to discuss the terms with my lawyer. Cell phones are frowned upon in the Texas Hold-Em tribe. I found this out when Frank grabbed it out of my hand and threw it into the other room. My lawyer was not amused.

My only recourse at this point was a snatch and run attempt. I grabbed a handful of Frank's chips and made my retreat. Must buy cheese waffles. I guess the game of Texas Hold-Em isn't big enough yet, because the middle eastern clerk at the store wouldn't accept my Texas Hold-Em chips.

All in all a bad first experience, but at least by making a scene I only alienated an unconfirmed pedophile. One tiny perverted branch off the end of the friend tree is no big deal I guess. You know anyone having a game? I might know someone who knows someone who knows you. Are you ok with that? I'm all in.