WARNING: Satan is Using Olympic Volleyball to Get...

[wesrman]

WARNING: Satan is Using Olympic Volleyball to Get
Young Boys to Masturbate!

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/2008/...olleyball.html

Spoons neighbours strike agin..lol.

[bigspenda73]

well, it just worked on me

[wesrman]

well, it just worked on me twice

FYP.

[bigred]

good thing i've done nothing but watch porn for the last week, fuck you satan

[BennyLaRue]

I knew it was an avatar that would motivate people to do great things.

I suspect people fapped to my Tom Selleck avatar too though.

[Warpe]

I want the animated t-shirt!

[dick_pump]

She told me that her son, Timothy, invited several of his friends over into his bedroom for private prayer and devotional scripture studies. What she told me next is enough to send shivers down the spine of every God fearing mother and father in our Christian Nation! Satan is in our midst, my friends! The Devil is using Olympics volleyball to lure young men into shedding their clothes, flopping around and falling off off their beds with him into the pit of iniquity. Lucifer is turning innocent afternoon gatherings of imprecatory prayer into frenzied young Masturbating Baptist Boys' Clubs!"

[wesrman]

She told me that her son, Timothy, invited several of his friends over into his bedroom for private prayer and devotional scripture studies. What she told me next is enough to send shivers down the spine of every God fearing mother and father in our Christian Nation! Satan is in our midst, my friends! The Devil is using Olympics volleyball to lure young men into shedding their clothes, flopping around and falling off off their beds with him into the pit of iniquity. Lucifer is turning innocent afternoon gatherings of imprecatory prayer into frenzied young Masturbating Baptist Boys' Clubs!"

LOL @ them having jerk off parties. Fags imo.

[d0zer]

"They were all on the bedroom floor covered in sweat, their stiffened purple tallywhackers pointing in every direction."

[bigred]

"They were all on the bedroom floor covered in sweat, their stiffened purple tallywhackers pointing in every direction."

this brings me back

[flomo]

pics?

[BigPapi]

In addition, security officers reported the boys had been playing with superhero toys," Pastor continued. "Anything related to superheroes except for Jesus is forbidden in this church!

I hope this church isnt in Gotham City

[kingnat]

How is this NOT child abuse?

[ChrisBCritter]

This site cannot be for real... seriously... look at the advertisements?

[ChrisBCritter]

<-----pwned...

/me kept reading, and realised what the site really was...

Here! Buy the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...andoverbaptist

[dick_pump]

Pastor, Why Does My Penis Get So Hard?

Dear Pastor,

I feel embarsed to write about this to you. But you said at childrens sermon time ask anything to you? I think i need help becuse i asked my dad about this questin this afternoon and he was mad and yelled don't tell your mother!! don't tell her again and he smacked my head in back and my I hit my head in the toylit!.

I look at pitchures of my comics super heros superman and batman i have myslef getting very long down in my peenis and I dont know why it gets too hard but it goes right away when I am eating or mom calls. He also becomes like this way waking before school and it hurts. also and i pee everywhere even on the mirrors and the sinks cause it wont go down.

So why is this happening and can't it stop? When i try pushing it makes it harder and longer. can you help and please dont tell my dad cause he knows already and gets mad. Like he yells i am a sissy. i want it to stop, help me what do i do, am i bad? I feel bad.

Geoffrey Hargraves
Age 14
Landover Baptist Chirstin Acedemy



Reginald,

I received your letter in my email and I immediately forwarded it to your father. First of all, I am going to be brief, because you are your father's business. The Bible teaches you that you must be obedient and honor him whatever the case. If your father is listening to National Public Radio or if you hear him saying positive things about Hillary Clinton or Barak Obama, that is a whole other matter. Please report him to church security immediately.

Your concerns at this point are strictly a family matter that must be dealt with immediately by your father, without letting your mother know anything, before it gets worse.

From now on, please use the correct Christian terminology when referring to your so-called, "penis." We call it a "Tallywacker." I am sure you father has taught you that, but my main concern here is that you are experiencing arousal while looking at male cartoon characters. Reginald, I'm only going to say this once, and let it sink into your mind and never forget it, because it is an ABSOLUTE truth! If you let your eyes lock onto something for over 5-seconds, Satan enters your brain and sends demons down your blood stream into your Tallywhacker to create what we call, "hardening." It is Lucifer's favorite way of making boys confused about what they choose to fancy. You will learn more about that if you are still with us after Tuesday. Right now, keep your eyes closed as much as possible. You don't want to go to Hell, do you? Well, then stop looking at things!

Please print out this letter and show it to your father, and also bring the letter to school on Monday morning and show it to your gym teacher, Butch Fistings. I've contacted him in regard to this matter and he will conduct a series of examinations that will assist you. Some of these exams will be very painful, just don't be a sissy and cry. Don't be a baby. You've already caused a great deal of embarassment for your entire family, since Jesus told me to post your letter on the world wide web.

Be sure to pack an extra pairs of trousers, young man. You should also pack some socks and a few shirts and bring them with you to school on Monday. Give your mother a kiss goodbye and then look her right in the eyes for no more than 3-seconds! Then, look at the ground and say, "I hope you're happy! You just might have turned me into a damned sodomite, harlot of Eve!" Walk to the school bus without looking back, or you will turn into a pillar of salt.

One other thing, as soon as you get this letter, burn all of your comic books in your backyard. This is a physical act of contrition and obedience to the Lord. Pray to Jesus and thank Him for the wonderful gift of reconciliation. Tell Him that you are a worthless sinner and need to be dipped in the sweet-fresh blood of the Lamb. Ask Him to forgive you. Ask Him to guide your gym teacher's hands in the long and painful de-sissification process ahead. Plead the power of Christ over your shame, and call the Devil out! A-men.

I want your parents to know that I have the authority to make you stand out by football practice for a month with a sandwich board around your neck that says, "My Name is Reginald and My Penis Is Hard!" If you don't get de-sissified right quick, you can bet your pink little pre-homo little back side there's a lot more in store for you than having your little Nancy Boy face plastered all over the internets! I'd put my chin up and start praying real hard, if I were you.

In God's Holy Name,

- Pastor Deacon Fred

[dick_pump]

Why Does God Hate Trailer Trash?


Deer Pasture,

Me and my momma useta live in Pine Glen Luxury Mobile Home Park. We had us a reel nice singul-wide with a sattulite TV dish and a inflasion swimming pule and us and all are naybors wuz real happy and everything. But last month we wuz sleeping and a giunt tornaydo come in the middle of the nite & smasheded up all are traylurs and sucked my momma right out of bed and smacked up gainst are propane tank . And my bestest frend Danielynn got throwed into a crick before a trackter landed on top of her. I herd that traylers get recked by tornaydos all the time, so im just wondering for how come the Lord hates are guts so dang much.

- Brianna



Dear Brianna,

As Noah's arkless neighbors discovered long ago, somewhat inclement weather is a sign of the Lord’s peevishness. Indeed, tornadoes have long been referred to by True Christians™ as “the twirling fingers of the Lord,” which He uses to poke and scratch at scabs and obliterate things that displease Him. Among those things, quite clearly, are trailer parks – which the Lord delights in effortlessly flicking into a blizzard of cheap plywood toothpicks and flying corduroy recliners into the sky whenever the mood strikes Him.

But why, with all the sinning going on in the world by crazy Muslims and other folks who worship cats and livestock, does the Lord have such particular, seasonal animosity towards Christians who dwell in mobile homes, you wonder?

Scripture, as always, provides the answer. For Jesus was rather specific in His preferred choice of home construction. "And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock." Matt. 7:25

What Jesus is saying is that only stupid, cheap, trashy people build their houses on a set of rubber wheels or some stolen cinderblocks -- and that He wants nothing to do with them.. The type of people He loves has substantial residences built on solid rock foundations. In other words, not you.

As anyone who enjoys attributing bromides to the Bible will tell you, “God helps those who help themselves.” Since most trailers in the United States are bought by FEMA, they are the shelter of last resort for the poor, lazy and waterlogged. If these folks knew anything about helping themselves, they wouldn't need a FEMA trailer in the first place. So even if Jesus saw fit to Hoover your mother up from her disintegrating linoleum as she knelt in prayer to Him, or violently hurl elderly Medicare leeches into the highest branches of towering spruce trees and cell phone towers, it is not ours to question why! Perhaps if residents of your community had shown enough drive and perseverance in life, they could have taken up residence on a God-approved cul de sac of two-story fieldstone colonials with solid rock foundations. And then everyone would still be alive today. Ever wonder what the folks in Sodom and Gomorrah were living in? According to Creation Science Archeologists it was, of course, trailers! So, it sounds like you folks got off rather lightly with just a patch of bad weather. I suggest you stop your whining, as Jesus hates that even more.


-Pastor Deacon Fred

[wufwugy]

I want the animated t-shirt!

omg im buying like two hundred of these

[dick_pump]

where can i get one?

[mrhappy333]

lol has to be fake

[BankItDrew]

I want to put my penis in Brasil.