Bill Hicks Favorites

Bill: How many smokers do we have in the audience tonight?
(some applause and mild cheering)
Bill: (Imitates the smokers, coughing and wheezing.) Thanks for the effort smokers. Next time don't tax your feeble lung capacity, just go ahead a cough up a phlegm-gem right on the stage here. Ok, get ready for this... how many NON-SMOKERS do we have in the audience tonight?
(lots of applause, hootin' and hollerin')
Bill: (Waits for the applause to die down, lights a cigarette and takes a long drag.) Bunch of whining, self-righteous, pathetic little maggots. I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of you.

Anyone else big fans?

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"Uh-huh."

Dinosaurs.

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."



You should see David Cross. He's like the second advent of Hicks.

david cross kills me. i dont remember where i heard it, but the bit about him waking up drunk in a hotel in Oklahoma is priceless.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to see a fucking cross? Ow! Maybe that's why he hasn't shown up yet...it's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a sniper rifle pendant... Just thinking of John, Jackie. We love him. Trying to keep that memory alive, baby.