This post will be particularly self-centered and probably pretty "rambly". I'll also probably repeat myself a whole lot. I'm hoping that writing some of this shit down will help me iron out some issues... Also, mods not sure if this is proper forum, but it's basically about my approach to SH NL hold em so I thought I'd post it here.

I am generally a workhorse. Regardless of the activity, I am prone to long sessions of preparation/practice/studying. During high school I was regularly practicing piano 7 hrs/day on top of class and sports teams. Same can be said of any number of things I became passionate about.

So why do I always feel like stopping poker sessions after like 90 minutes? This is something I really want to look at seriously since I think my limited play is hindering my progress and my bankroll.

It's obv something I have to figure out on my own, but I'm wondering if ppl who regularly play 1k+ hands per session can chime in here (obv I'm thinking of Renton, Gabe, Lukie, Coco but anybody's comments/ideas are appreciated), especially if they had a tough time making their sessions long and productive early on, like I am.

Like I mentioned in my "blog" in poker etcetera, I've moved up in stakes relatively quickly without ever really grinding. This is probably part of it (since the money truly means something to me, even though I have 50+ buy ins for nl400).

Also, I'm still in school and am by no means an online "pro". Deep down, I still feel like a casual player running well.

And yet, for about a year now, most of my waking hours have revolved around poker. While I don't play a lot, I'm constantly reading the forums and railing high-stakes games (I even get a kick out of railing random nl400 games ffs). I also sweat ppl a lot and find that I usually give good advice. Sometimes I think that if I could "sweat myself" I'd be making more money (this is obv a psychology/emotional detachment thing I have to work on).

Something else that's hindering my progress is fear of money. I don't come from a rich family and feel that if I grinded my way up to nl1000 6 max my life would change too much. Somehow it just feels like that would be "too good to be true". This is def related to the fact that I'm extremely confident (maybe too confident). I have very little doubt that if I played a lot more I'd put myself in a situation where by running reasonably well I'd be rolled for nl1000 pretty quickly. Like I mentioned before, this scares me, maybe because all of the other things I've pursued (sports, piano) were never associated with financial gain. I just did those things because I loved doing them.

Rereading what I've written so far, something that just struck me is that if I were sitting at play money tables, I'd probably play even more. I think money has gotten between me and my love of the game. I keep my sessions short because of some compulsive "voice" telling me that, since this is for a lot of money, I want to be consistently at the "top of my game". So instead of sticking around at a table when I'm up 3-4 buy ins, I simply leave, happy to take my profits and run, instead of suffering a beat or two and tilting. I can think of a session when I first started playing nl400 where I won 2700$ in under 200 hands and just stopped. I definitely slept well that night but left a lot of money on the table.

I'm not really sure if I'm "getting to the bottom" of anything, but I think this is the heart of my current situation :

-I love poker, but I don't love money. As soon as I got to the point where I was making 140$+/hr I started feeling guilty for not playing and started to feel like poker was more of a job than a game

-making a lot of money scares me

-I am probably too picky about being on my "A game" ( I never play cash games when I'm tired or emotionally fucked up or I just don't really really want to play)

-when I actually do sit down and play, despite having a complete disregard for money (sometimes too reckless I'm starting to think) in the context of the "game", I AM very emotionally attached to the money won/lost when looking at a session. So my emotional state is affected a fair amount by the results of poker when I'm not playing. This sucks. I felt happier in general when I took a break a few weeks ago.

-I haven't logged enough cash-games hands to truly feel that my sample-size is solid. Maybe 50-60k total, only 35k ish since I started using Pokertracker. Maybe I'm just an overaggro fish running good.

-I haven't had an earth-shattering downswing since my first few thousand hands of nl100. (don't know why, but not having been fucked a lot by variance makes me feel like less of a player)

-all of this ambivalent "love it/hate it" state emanated from my decision to take poker seriously a couple months ago after getting a pretty sweet Rakeb ack deal. Ironically, since then, I've played less, not more, but have studied the game much more.

-I am very goal-oriented and think maybe I need a more concrete goal to chase ("play 15k hands this month" doesn't seem to cut it)

Hmmm. That was even longer and "ramblier" than I thought it'd be. Maybe I'll post some shorter follow-up ideas later. Like I already said, any input at all is appreciated. And (obviously) not looking for "precriptions" or answers, any ideas/thoughts at all would be cool.