Robb's 1st Rant: Don't be a Dumbass

[Robb]

Bad ass mofo? or dumb ass mofo? Your choice.

You're probably a dumb ass mofo, and this is probably going to piss you off. Especially if you really need this post. If you're a badass mofo, you'll just laugh. But before all you dumbass mofo's quit reading and cry like little girls 'cuz I called you out, know this. I know exactly how all you dumbass mofos think. I used to be a world class losing-at-poker dumbass. So be a man and read this, dammit!!

I am really freakin' sick of reading posts from noobs asking the same questions over and over, all of which pretty much amount to: how can I open 30% of my hands - half for a limp - and win at poker?

You can't. You suck at poker, and you're a dumbass mofo if you're playing sc's, Axs and crap like A8o.

You need to tighten up and stop limping preflop - ever. If you're playing the first 50k hands of your NLH career at microstakes online, and if you're ever playing hands like KJ0, A3 and 76s, you're a dumbass mofo.

Don't believe me? Let's take a look at what a bad ass poker-pwning mofo profile looks like.

XTR100 played 27k hands of NL100 at 14/12/3.9 - and won $1,200.

IrishEyes played 52k hands of (mostly) NL100 at 20/17/3.4 - and won $2,500.

Spoonitnow played 21k hands of NL100 (in 3 days!) at 14/12.5/3.4 - and won $2,000.

Check the operations forum to see for yourself how some of the top players on FTR play. I did. They post HH's and stats.

A dumbass mofo asks himself how he, a poker noobie, can limp KJo profitably from MP. A bad ass mofo folds it. A dumbass mofo asks himself how to play sc's. A bad ass mofo throws away 76s about 9 times more often than he even thinks about playing it.

Now get this, 'cuz I'm gonna stop ranting JUST long enough to explain what those stats mean, since you (being a dumbass mofo) might not realize their significance. I didn't for a long time.

XTR and Spoon only open 14% of their hands, but they open 12% or more for raises. Irish plays mostly 6max, so his stats are a bit higher than the full ring badasses. And notice their aggression: 3.4+.

A dumbass mofo limps quietly and demurely into lots of pots. A bad ass mofo enters pots with a chainsaw. A dumbass mofo tepidly calls postflop leading to AF's like 1.5 (2 calls for every 3 bets/raises). A bad ass mofo follows up his chainsaw entrance with a jackhammer encore, pounding at the pot with bets, raises and reraises until he's won it or is ready to let it go (AF = 4 means 4 bets/raises per call). A dumbass mofo calls big raises. A badass mofo makes big raises.

You can't have 14/12 opening stats and limp. And they aren't opening 14% of their hands UTG. They play positionally and probably open something like 8/7 UTG and 24/20 on the button.

Now you dumbass mofo's are thinking, ok, ok, I get it. I'll start raisin' like hell. Then you're still gonna be a dumbass mofo, and lose money even faster than your dumb ass is losing it now. Because bad ass mofo's don't always use a sledgehammer. They use a scalpel better than most surgeons.

A bad ass mofo makes sledgehammer bets and raises, but he uses the scalpel to carve up very precise times and places to bet. A badass mofo knows exactly what he's looking for - villain, timing, position, stack sizes, cards. And when he's ready to pounce on some unsuspecting dumbasses with a hand like 76s, the bad ass mofo's of the poker-pwning world land in the pot like an earthquake. A dumbass mofo sees 76s in the cutoff after 2 limpers and thinks: Oh, goody goody, I get to gambool!!

The badass mofo's wrote the Beginner's Digest. A dumbass mofo won't read it.

So the next time you dumbass mofo's see one of the HH's posted by an FTR badass, remember they didn't need to post their AA hands. A dumbass sees them posting and discussing their 76s hands and thinks, "Wow, I could try that!" A badass realizes the spot was picked well - sliced open with the scalpel - and it still caused badass poster problems postflop. A dumbass mofo doesn't see the forest of 99% TAGG play for the trees of mediocre hands that are rarely - rarely - played.

A badass mofo realizes that the 99% TAGG play is what opens up places for the 76s tsunami to land on unsuspecting dumbasses. Dumbass mofo's don't realize that you can suck - really bad - at poker and still win, if you're willing to fold the crap preflop.

So the next time you dumbass mofo's fold KJ or 76 on the button, congratulate yourself. You're about to stop being a dumbass. And the next time you target a villain and land in the pot for a raise with AT from the button, congratulate yourself, even if you lose the pot. Because with time and practice, that type of thinking will make you a badass poker-winning mofo.

I don't care two squirts of warm piss if you play dumbass poker. That's just more dead money at the micros for me to take up a few levels as I get better.

But I finally quit being a loose-passive dumbass. Maybe you should, too.

[jyms]

Good call, I lol'd. You make a lot of sense. Now stop posting, you've reached your quota of quality posts, go make some freakin' monies

[gabe]

"So the next time you dumbass mofo's fold KJ or 76 on the button, congratulate yourself. You're about to stop being a dumbass."

wait what?? so if there is no raise and we have KING JACK on the button, we are folding? on the button?????? the button is so awesome though. badass mofos love to use the sledge hammer on the button

[spoonitnow]

I think you're starting to really get in the competitive spirit, and that's awesome because I think you and I could have similar words:words-that-rhyme-with-mother-fucker ratios in our posts.

A few things I want to throw out to supplement your post:
- It's fine to limp after multiple limpers with good implied odds hands.
- Raising mediocre broadways like KJ is fine in late middle to late position.
- I'm not really a bad-ass poker-pwning mofo, but thanks for the thought.
- I think the secret is that we're all dumbass mofos.

[Robb]

"So the next time you dumbass mofo's fold KJ or 76 on the button, congratulate yourself. You're about to stop being a dumbass."

wait what?? so if there is no raise and we have KING JACK on the button, we are folding? on the button?????? the button is so awesome though. badass mofos love to use the sledge hammer on the button

I thought that would raise some eyebrows. I just want some noobs to realize they might - just might - consider folding KJ once in a while, and raising it if they're going to play it.

[jyms]

Your better to fold first and learn where to play it than keep playing it while you try to learn to fold in spots.

[daven]

how can I open 30% of my hands - half for a limp - and win at poker?

play $5nl and $10nl, play position, know when to c-bet/bluff, know when to fold. that is all.
but there are better ways

and if you're ever playing hands like KJ0, A3 and 76s, you're a dumbass mofo.

i want to be better than the other dumbass mofos still bad enough to be playing at micro-stakes with me. Is it bad that i'll keep playing KJo, A3 and 76s when conditions dictate that i should? gonna go think on that a while, will get back to you later.

[bigslikk]

I'll play 72o from UTG if half the players on my donk-ass table stack off postflop like nitroglycerine in the microwave.


Good post though, I'll probably re-read it.

[Robb]

Good call, I lol'd. You make a lot of sense. Now stop posting, you've reached your quota of quality posts, go make some freakin' monies

LoL. Just played 900 hands 8-tabling 6max at Absolute, which apparently stands for Absolute Dumb Asses Only:



Used the sledgehammer: AF > 8. If the loose-passive dumbasses will fold to 80% of cbets and 99% of 2-barrels, they're just donators. And just so I don't brag too much, let's admit that I did get quality hands and awesome flops in just the right spots to show down the nuts about 75% of the time.

I should have won 5 BI +, but just to prove I'm still pretty much a dumbass myself, I misread my hand. Thought I had the nut straight and had a pair. But villain was short-stacked.

So I decided that meant I was too tired to play and came back here to see how hard I got flamed on this one.

[Robb]

I think you're starting to really get in the competitive spirit, and that's awesome because I think you and I could have similar words:words-that-rhyme-with-mother-fucker ratios in our posts.

I'll never rant like the spoon. I lol any time I read a spoon-rant. Hell, I read most of 'em 3 times 'cuz I'm laughing so hard.

A few things I want to throw out to supplement your post:
- It's fine to limp after multiple limpers with good implied odds hands.

Fine. But most noobs don't know what "implied odds" really mean or what hands might be good in those situations.

- Raising mediocre broadways like KJ is fine in late middle to late position.

With a read, a reason and plan for postflop. Which I wasn't very good at my first 50k hands at NL10.

- I'm not really a bad-ass poker-pwning mofo, but thanks for the thought.
- I think the secret is that we're all dumbass mofos.

LoL. You won $2,000 in 3 days playing smart, TAGG poker. God let me be a dumbass like that some day.

and if you're ever playing hands like KJ0, A3 and 76s, you're a dumbass mofo.

i want to be better than the other dumbass mofos still bad enough to be playing at micro-stakes with me. Is it bad that i'll keep playing KJo, A3 and 76s when conditions dictate that i should? gonna go think on that a while, will get back to you later.

You left out my caveat: "in your first 50k hands..." The very fact you're saying "when conditions dictate" means you're thinking about laying 'em down.

Yes, I used overstatement and exaggeration. I painted huge grey areas black and white. I used hyperbole. Here's why. When I was noob, I used posts like Spoon's reply to justify playing KJo, A3 and 76s from LP almost all the time, even when there were agro's in the blinds I should have known would raise or rr, even when the stacks were all short, even when the villain who limped was 4/2/0.5 nitty. I really just needed to be cracked a good one over the head with a Louisville Slugger. If this gets even one more person thinking about how loose and passive they're playing, I'll be happy.

[XTR1000]

Great post. We need more posters that make sense and are still fun to read.

I agree with gabe and spoon that having the button means partytime, but I get your point and hope everyone else does: There are more factors to consider than just cards and seat, and preflop decisions should rather be raise or fold than play or not to play.

I feel honored being mentioned here, but be sure that I´m far from being badass-mofo-pwning-poker-player. I hope that I´m on way to get there one day

[Robb]

Great post. We need more posters that make sense and are still fun to read.

I agree with gabe and spoon that having the button means partytime, but I get your point and hope everyone else does: There are more factors to consider than just cards and seat, and preflop decisions should rather be raise or fold than play or not to play.

I feel honored being mentioned here, but be sure that I´m far from being badass-mofo-pwning-poker-player. I hope that I´m on way to get there one day

That's what I like most about spoon's rants, which inspired this one. I learn a lot, laugh a lot (often at myself) and enjoy the post-rant banter.

"Cards and seat." That was me. As a 2 pt/100BB winning noob, I played KJo 65% of the time (checked PT last night). As a 5 pt/100BB winning near-noob, I play KJo 25% of the time. Nuff said.

I selected the "bad ass hall-o-fame" on two criteria: (1) who had PT screen shots in their operations blogs, and (2) people whose posts/threads/replies have helped me the most. So thanks for your hard work helping us noobs and beginners on FTR.

And vnh on your FINE new avatar.

[littleogre]

i have one to add. Stop makeing pointless bluffs and plays that have no chace. Example your are in lp and it's raised 3 times befor ot gets to you. You have K/10 off and even if you shove every one will be geting over 2-1 to call. Just throw the damn hand away. Your hand is crushed 99 percent o of the time and your fold equity is nearly 0 Yet i see people mindlessly hit the all in button all the time. I see people limp utg only to shove with a hand like Kq or a small pair after 2 or more players have raised and put 60 percent of their stacks in the pot

[Monty3038]

I agree with you littleogre but for the noob like me sometimes that is hard. It is too easy to be totally 'focused' on your cards and not see the straight, not expect the flush, etc...