I feel gutshot

[ProZachNation]

I feel so fucked up right now, and need to get this all off my chest so you guys get no choice

I went out this this girl for 2 years in highschool, we had a great time and we both really love/d each other. This year I went away to school and she is only a junior in highschool so we decided to break up when I went away to college. We talked a lot of the phone and hung out when I came home but nothing really major just hanging out and maybe a lil kiss here and there.

Well I came home from school for X-mas break and Sunday something happened and we were all over each other and it felt great and we had a good time. Monday night we went to a movie and we decided we would gte back together and see how things went. Last night she came over and I helped her with some homework and we fooled around some and then she got really upset about what was going to happen with me leaving and stuff. So we talked before she left and I reassured her and stuff and I thought we were cool.

So later that night I called her and she was really upset and said she didnt know if she could handle the stress of us being together and being apart(she has always had really bad anxiety, she didnt have the best childhood experiences) she pretty much said she wanted to be with me but not be a couple but be friends with benefits like we had been on Sunday.

I pretty much told her I couldnt do that because of how bad us just being friends had fucked me up while I was at school(one week we would be tight the next we would be fighting and shit.) I pretty much told her I either want a relationship or to not have her in my life so I can get over my feelings for her. I love her so much but I dont know what I need to or should do...

Anyone ever have a similar experience and can give some insight?

And please no immature responses I am more of trying to get this off my chest and looking for any insight.


After I get off work today we are gona talk so I will see how that goes too.

[cardsman1992]

If she has the anxiety about being apart, it will not go away. If it comes from her childhood, it may linger all through her adult life (worse if she doesn't get counseling). How far away from Grand Valley State is Farm Hills? I say this because I was so into a girl when I was in college, I couldn't handle being away from her (even though it was only 90 min drive away),so I would come home EVERY weekend and thus missed out on what being in college is all about. She was my first love. So I dropped out at the end of first semester to come home (not all because of her, but partly because of money and a few other factors). Within 2 weeks she had broken up with me for good and sent me into a major life tailspin that took me a couple of years to recover from. Anxiety is serious and she may need some help (even if she doesn't think so).

I don't think FWB is the answer. I commend you for not just wanting cheap sex out of the deal. Believe me, if you are as into this girl as it seems you are, I will tell you that each time you have "ex-sex", it will mean something to you that it doesn't mean to her. Old feelings will come up and it will be hard to separate the sex from the feelings (as is happening to you). Each time it gets worse and you dig yourself even deeper. Far from being the answer, this arrangement will only create more problems. Also keep in mind that she is 16? 17? and she still has a lot of growing up to do (as do you, and as did I when I was that age). I'm not saying give up, but just be prepared for the reality that when the maturing ends, it may not include you no matter how bad you hope it does.

So, whatever else you do, don't screw up your future over ANY girl. If it's meant to be, they will understand and stand by you no matter what. Stay and get your education, because there is not a day that goes by that I don't kick myself in the ass for dropping out. It has turned out okay for me--I have a decent job, but not for most people. BUT, and this is the important part, if it's not meant to be, it is not the end of the world, no matter how bad it seems. Don't kid yourself into thinking it is. You will feel messed up, possibly for a LONG time. People fall in love again, people recover, people make their own lives. I know this to be the truth. I have run into my ex 3 times in the last 18 months (after going 12 years without seeing her), and the twinge is still there. She looks like she did the day we broke up. Of course I wonder how things would be had we stayed together. But I also know that we are now both different people, and I look at my little girl, and I wouldn't trade my life for anything else.

This might not have been what you were looking for, dude, but I thought I would put my 2 cents in. Feel free to give change if you want. I just hope someone else can learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.

Best of luck with this, man. The road ahead will be tough no matter which direction it leads. Let me know how it turns out.....

[Rondavu]

Go with the Flow. Your life is being guided by your goals at the moment. You cannot and should not committ at the moment. You should both maintain freebird status while enjoying each other when you see one another. You should be free to live your life beyond that arrangement, even if it means seeing other people. If you're meant to be with her, then you'll naturally gravitate together regardless of anything else that happens. It's not even close to time to settle down yet. That is out of the question for at least several years.

[ProZachNation]

Shes to afraid of falling to try to walk, I think its over.

[Lukie]

I'd go along with it.

Go out with other women and (regardless of how those adventures go), tell your (x)gf how much fun you are having meeting all these new people. Play it cool. Don't get up in her shit about doing it your way (being together) or nothing at all. That might end more long-term relationships then anything else (trust me, I know from experience).

If you really want her back, I think you just need to give her some space and in the meantime, do your own thing and have a good time. If she loves you, she'll come back, and there's absolutely no doubt about that.

[euphoricism]

Youre telling a girl who only wants to be friends with benefits NO?

WHILE YOURE IN COLLEGE?

Holy fuck. Die.

[EricE]

Relationships (like life) are not black and white. As much as we would like them to be, they are not. Trying to make the world conform to our view of things as black and white will cause lots of problems.

My opinion is you should not force this all or nothing. Let it be what it is. Go with the flow.

[ProZachNation]

Well Im letting her have her way.

We are gona be friends and try to work to become more. And shes gona get some counseling for her anxiety which will be good no matter what if she can get over some of the shit she has had to deal with. Ill have a hard time I think, but right now I am a stronger person and I dont really wana lose her entirely and I dont want her to have to.

This situation is horrible because all we both want is to be together but she just cannt be with me and only see me every other week at most(2 hour drive at least.)

Its like when she is happy and forgets about being scarred of me leaving she and I are so happy together and everything feels perfect, but when she goes home and she cannt stop looping the thought of us being apart she gets torn up.

Thanks for the advice guys.


and lukie I couldnt go out with another girl, not even shitting you there are a ton of hot girls out there and none of them attract me, none of them can make my heart skip a beat by walking in the room like she can.

[Les_Worm]

You couldn't see her every weekend? You could go see her one weekend and she could come see you the next. Talk on the phone/get a webcam for the time in between.

Also why date someone so young?

[ProZachNation]

It would be really hard to see her every weekend but I could I guess, Ill talk to her tomorrow, we just got to talk on the phone today.

Shes only a year younger than me, we met when we both did marching band in High School and I didnt want to date her because I didnt wana feel like the older guy trying to take advantage of her. But I ended up taking her to HomeComing as friends since I knew her sister and we were hanging out so much and there was a spark we ended up dating pretty much right after that up intill the day I left for school. I odnt really think the age is an issue(If I was 3 months younger and her maybe a month or so older we would be in the same grade probably) besides that she is two years behind me which makes it hard.

[Xianti]

It's not even close to time to settle down yet. That is out of the question for at least several years.

Several decades, in my opinion.

[Xianti]

none of them can make my heart skip a beat by walking in the room like she can.

You're so young, Zach. Live some life before you convince yourself that you love this girl and that no other girl can compare.

[Warpe]

man, this one's a tearjerker...

Buddy, take it from a guy who's been divorced twice and as good as yet another time: Women are like buses. Another one comes along every fifteen minutes.

If this chick is the "one", then that will work itself out over time. But while you're waiting, play the field and get your dick wet...often.

That's what being young is all about.

[Pingviini]

Oh to be young and in love.. it is hard to be so happy and so stupid any other way

Believe me, you think you are ment for each other and shit but you will most likely feel the same for at least a couple of times. It is hard but that is just how life goes. People break up. I would not _personally_ want to spend my life with the girl I met when I was 16.

I promised myself some years ago after a rough relationship that I would just "go with the flow" as Rondavu suggested. Life is like poker (or other way around), try to get into the rhythm and do not try to force things unless you have to.

[Les_Worm]

If this chick is the "one", then that will work itself out over time.

Thats a bunch of shit. Just another cliche. Relationships must be worked on and both people have to compromise. They don't "work out on their own".

[Warpe]

If this chick is the "one", then that will work itself out over time.

Thats a bunch of shit. Just another cliche. Relationships must be worked on and both people have to compromise. They don't "work out on their own".

Agreed (barring the "bunch of shit" part), but some work out one heck of a lot easier than others. Some relationships are just too much work period (high-maintenance women come to mind, and I've known a few).

As far as cliches go, they become cliches because they're usually true.

[Les_Worm]

I agree that some are easier than others but they all require work.

[ProZachNation]

Ok the final agreement we have come to.

We are gona see how just being friends with benefits goes while Im at school for awhile and see how it goes and then move towards a relationship.

[irishiain]

friends with benefits is always a good option imo.

[donkbee]

My requested reply

Doing the whole friends with benefits thing hardly ever works out. I really really don't recommend it. For you, what's the difference with a relationship and with FWB? You're still going to love her. You're still going to care about her. I thought the difference was that you're not going to be tied down to anyone, but you seem like you're deciding you don't want anyone anyway. Why go this route? If SHE is the one who wants to do it, what does it say about how she feels about your "relationship"? Don't let her screw you around like that.

I just want you to keep in mind that there is a slight possibility that she wants the whole FWB thing for other reasons other than the ones she's told you. Anxiety? Maybe. Or maybe there's other reasons. Not trying to be depressing or pessimistic or anything like that at all, I just want you to be realistic about everything.

FWB is a bad idea because you still love her and you still care about her. If you can't have a relationship but you're still sleeping with her, you're going to feel like shit about it every single time. You really need to go all or nothing here, IMHO, or else you're just going to end up feeling really really bad about things. TRUST ME! I KNOW! lol This is, of course, assuming you actually do love her and care about her (if you only cared about sex, FWB would be fine. It's when someone actually has feelings for the person, that's when FWB gets fucked up).

You say that you really love her and that she's the only girl you want right now ... dammit, stop thinking that! Find a girl at your school so that you can get some every night! What a concept, huh? I know you don't want to hear this, and I know it's not gonna make you stop caring about her. But if you REALLY want my advice, here it is: forget about her for now and go out with someone else. It's gonna be hard to do that, I know. But honestly, it's the best choice right now, it will help you out emotionally in the long run.

You're not gonna take my advice, are you?

Haha. I say all this because even if you guys DID decide to do a relationship, long distance SUCKS. And you guys aren't even that far away from each other! I did long distance with a guy for almost 3 years ... I lived here in Vancouver, and he lived in New Jersey/Baltimore. It was hard, it sucked, and I wouldn't ever recommend it to anyone no matter how much you love each other. You guys aren't that far away from each other and you can still get to each other pretty easily, but it's still not the same as having some a 5-10 min walk or drive away ... or even a 30 min walk or drive away. There's a lot of girls at your school, you just need to find one you like. And I guarantee that there are several who would suit your needs! Imagine having her there on campus with you on a regular basis. You could hang out whenever you wanted, sleep with each other whenever you wanted, and since you're surrounded by friends all the time, you can NOT see her whenever you want too! It's so ideal!

Damn this is long. Haha sorry for the rambling. Just some random thoughts, dunno if it helped at all. Let me know if you want anymore opinions, I'm sure I could crank out another 50-5000000 words.

[cardsman1992]

Doing the whole friends with benefits thing hardly ever works out. I really really don't recommend it. For you, what's the difference with a relationship and with FWB? You're still going to love her. You're still going to care about her. I thought the difference was that you're not going to be tied down to anyone, but you seem like you're deciding you don't want anyone anyway. Why go this route? If SHE is the one who wants to do it, what does it say about how she feels about your "relationship"? Don't let her screw you around like that.

FWB is a bad idea because you still love her and you still care about her. If you can't have a relationship but you're still sleeping with her, you're going to feel like shit about it every single time. You really need to go all or nothing here, IMHO, or else you're just going to end up feeling really really bad about things. TRUST ME! I KNOW! lol This is, of course, assuming you actually do love her and care about her (if you only cared about sex, FWB would be fine. It's when someone actually has feelings for the person, that's when FWB gets fucked up).

Quoted for truth.

I know that I sound like a fuddy duddy saying this, being a guy and all, but if you are putting more into it than she is, you will end up feeling like crap. Seriously. I wish someone had told me this when I was your age. I dislike ultimatums, but given your situation, I don't think you are doing yourself any favors by going back to her over and over, even if just for "maintenance". Other women come along, and you will feel like this about someone else too--trust me. You are WAY too young to be worried about it at this point. ENJOY LIFE!!!!

[Muxy]

nice avatar courtie

[swiggidy]

My experience is that you aren't over your previous ex until you start dating someone else. Maybe over isn't the right word. You can't view the relationship properly until there has been some distance, some buffer.

I broke up with a girl after 3 years. I had very little success dating for the next 7 months, and I could never get her out of my head. I finally met someone new. All of the sudden I had a clear view of our relationship. I could pick apart what I wanted/liked, and what failed. I understood why I wasn't happy with her and why it would never work again. I could then handle being friends.

I'm not saying she isn't right for you. But, you might have to date someone else to know for yourself.

I also think having regular sex with an ex, especially one you care about will cause nothing but drama and problems. That's a whole different discussion.

[Rondavu]

My Current Girlfriend (And future Wife)

We started going out when I was 20, and she was 18. We were together 4 years, until I was 24. We broke up because we were still so young. I dated other women, and she dated other men. When I was 26 we got back together for a few months. We were not ready to be together. We broke up. We saw other people. In fact we both entered 3 year relationships. At 29 years old, she and I couln't get each other out of our minds, and decided that we were meant to be together. We dumped whoever we were with at the time, and will now be together indefinately.

This is how life works sometimes. She and I never would have lasted if we didn't go our seperate ways to gain perspective. It was out of our control and we accepted it. I also got to have sex with all sorts of other hot women in the meantime, so that was cool too.

[ProZachNation]

I AM A VIRGIN!

gg thread

[donkbee]

ummmm okay!

glad i wrote all that shit for nothing then

[swiggidy]

I AM A VIRGIN!

FWB?

[ProZachNation]

There is many things that dont negate a virgin status while still being very very enjoyable.

[swiggidy]

Sure. I have some friends who say they "hooked up" last night. I probe for details and they "made out" (kissing with some groping) then slept next to each other. Meh.

My college experience is that relationships start with sex.

But, anyways...
Good luck

[donkbee]

Change all the "sex" to "sexual activities" and my post still applies.