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So he just IMed me. Pretty much exactly how I expected him to react. Nice to see he's as stubborn and cocksure as usual
HIM (1:31:09 AM): Don
H (1:31:13 AM): 't
H (1:31:14 AM): Ever
H (1:31:14 AM): Do
H (1:31:15 AM): That
H (1:31:16 AM): Again
wufwugy (1:31:35 AM): hmmm
H (1:31:37 AM): Ever.
wufwugy (1:31:42 AM): u feeling all right
H (1:32:06 AM): Better. Worked out some stuff for right now. The desire is always there, but it's on hold.
H (1:32:11 AM): It will probably always be there.
wufwugy (1:32:33 AM): so what are u actually upset over?
H (1:32:49 AM): I got your voicemail that night, but ended up being with Faye, so it made more sense to work stuff out with her in person.
H (1:32:59 AM): It was (and still is) a culmination of absolutely everything.
H (1:33:23 AM): I can't even begin to explain. Some of it requires too much background information.
H (1:33:40 AM): Never even got to DXM these past few days. Or do any drugs. >:[
wufwugy (1:33:40 AM): u upset because of the voicemail?
H (1:34:22 AM): No, 'cause of the police coming to my apartment and telling my mom shit, and she got up my ass about it, and only finally stopped now.
H (1:34:40 AM): I talked to them for two minutes on the phone and they were like, "HOKAY NVM"
wufwugy (1:35:13 AM): im surprised they found u
H (1:35:21 AM): -_-
wufwugy (1:35:33 AM): i knew u would be upset
wufwugy (1:35:39 AM): but really, not much choice
H (1:35:40 AM): Not like they could have stopped me anyway. Come now, what were you hoping for? If I want it done, it's happening.
H (1:36:01 AM): I'm having full autonomy over my death, if and when I choose for it to come.
wufwugy (1:36:14 AM): um its a little different than that
wufwugy (1:38:02 AM): among people who deal with this kind of thing a lot, what u have done and what u did is known to be often seeking something
wufwugy (1:38:09 AM): even tho it's almost never admitted to
H (1:38:42 AM): If I made it a big deal and told a ton of people. I told you, and Faye. No one else. I told you 'cause you're an online friend across the country who, I figured, couldn't interrupt plans.
H (1:38:49 AM): Believe me, I wasn't seeking attention by any means.
H (1:39:04 AM): I could leave pages of writing here for everyone to eventually see/read, but it'd never get to you.
H (1:39:10 AM): So I figured I'd tell you over the phone
H (1:39:15 AM): So you'd understand why I disappeared.
H (1:39:52 AM): Trust me when I say it, I didn't want the attention. I've been seeing people up until today, along with Faye,a nd everyone thinks I'm fine.
H (1:40:03 AM): I put on the most opaque mask ever.
H (1:40:08 AM): You'd never know I had a problem.
H (1:40:36 AM): Everyone thinks I'm stable, and in control, and capable of dealing with my losses. And while I am a lot of times, they never witness cracks in the foundations of my sanity.
H (1:40:40 AM): Yeah. Poetic. Bitch.
wufwugy (1:41:41 AM): heres the thing dude, i cant know much of that
wufwugy (1:41:57 AM): i have to work with the info given to me
wufwugy (1:42:07 AM): so u can easily be right about all this
wufwugy (1:42:31 AM): but i have no way of knowing
wufwugy (1:42:44 AM): all i know is that u told me u set a date
wufwugy (1:42:51 AM): generally thats some pretty heavy sutf
wufwugy (1:42:53 AM): stuff
wufwugy (1:43:44 AM): anyways i was quite sure u would come out just fine, and be mad at me, but really i did what i decided was best given the informatoin i was provided
wufwugy (1:43:59 AM): anyways, great to see u doing well
H (1:46:30 AM): I appreciate the concern, but next time, don't get police involved. That will never save me, anyway. The only thing that will keep me here is me deciding it's still worth it to continue.
H (1:47:00 AM): And right now, I've decided that. I expanded my capacity to deal with shit. And settled some other stuff on my mind.
H (1:47:35 AM): I kept getting my drug trip derailed, though. >:[ I was going to call you that night, but it rained a lot, and I wasn't about to trip outside in the rain.
H (1:49:21 AM): In any case, I'm not mad, just annoyed, but not so much at this point. Police are off my case, that's all that matters.
H (1:49:44 AM): And the date was set 'cause it'd be incredibly ironic to die on your birthday. Not to mention, it would give people only one day a year to grieve, as opposed to two.
H (1:49:57 AM): If I die on a different day, it will remind them of me twice in a year.
H (1:50:47 AM): I figured that if my suicide brought pain, I could at least do that to make it a bit easier as time went on.
H (1:50:49 AM): I'm a swell guy.
wufwugy (1:52:21 AM): sweet so u used your get out of jail free card cuz i wont do anything to try to help u if there is a next time, so u better be certain that your decision is clearheaded and without any subconscious ulterior motive amirite
H (1:52:45 AM): It was clearheaded this time.
wufwugy (1:53:02 AM): i got sick
H (1:53:10 AM): Again, I had to work it out on my own. And a bit with Faye's help. But really, I brought about the change, not her.
H (1:53:13 AM): With worry?
wufwugy (1:53:25 AM): not so much worry
wufwugy (1:53:59 AM): some stress, but i was also up late two nights trying to find more info, and talking to people on phone a lot and a lot not being helpful and yaddayadda
wufwugy (1:54:09 AM): so i end up getting sick from being abnormally stressed
wufwugy (1:54:10 AM): THANKS
wufwugy (1:54:12 AM): OMG
H (1:54:21 AM): Aw, you love me. <3 Thanks, bro.
wufwugy (1:54:31 AM): I WAS CRYING ALL NIGHT
wufwugy (1:54:33 AM): I WAS LIKE
wufwugy (1:54:37 AM): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
H (1:54:59 AM): Haha nice
H (1:55:16 AM): Well no worries for now, you have me around.
H (1:55:25 AM): Alk and BigSkeptic both texted me, and Alk left a voicemail.
H (1:55:28 AM): I was surprised.
H (1:55:31 AM): I was seriously like
H (1:55:31 AM): WTF
H (1:55:34 AM): And I was like
H (1:55:37 AM): WUFWUGY WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?!?1
wufwugy (1:55:41 AM): LOLLLLLLLLLLLL
H (1:55:48 AM): I'm surprised they actually expresses concern, they're both normally dicks.
wufwugy (1:55:57 AM): naw dude they both like u
H (1:55:57 AM): They were like call if you need to.
H (1:55:57 AM): They were like call if you need to.
H (1:56:03 AM): They were like call if you need to.
H (1:56:06 AM): How do you know? Lol
wufwugy (1:56:11 AM): can just tell
wufwugy (1:56:16 AM): im smrt
H (1:56:22 AM): Well, obviously enough of they called/texted.
H (1:56:25 AM): if
H (1:56:43 AM): I was just like when I saw/heard the messages.
H (1:57:50 AM): Oh, and just so you know, at the time of my away message change (which Faye put up), I hadn't decided on living. She made the A/M when we came and slept here so we could get some more stuff, and then I left it up 'cause I figured it'd make things appear normal.
wufwugy (1:58:35 AM): thats a pretty hilarious paragraph actually
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