Best Simpsons quotes

[will641]

this is one of the best tv shows ever, and i forget a lot of the hilarious shit they say on there. ill start off with a few.

"Let the fools have their tar tar sauce." - Mr. Burns

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?" - Homer

"Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones." - Mr. Burns

[grnydrowave2]

I was buying pornography.

[Deanglow]

Homer: Barney! You brought a keg!?
Barney: Yeah, where can I fill it up?

[grnydrowave2]

Lisa: And teachers could give the students their phone numbers in case they have any questions.

Superintendent Chalmers: I have a question: You're crazy!

[Galapogos]

"Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems" - Homer



During the immigration fuss: The students are picking on Uter the german exchange student.

Willy jumps in and rips his shirt off and yells, "You kids want to pick on immigrants? Why don't you pick on Willy!?"

Skinner steps in, "Willy please, the children want to pick on someone their own size."

[XTR1000]

Lisa built a perpetuum mobile
Homer:" Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

Homers mom sings"...how many roads does a man have to cross...."
Homer:" uhm...6?"
Lisa:"Dad, thats a rhethorical question"
Homer:" oh, rhethorical...uhm....7?"

[Hawk]

"My cats breath smells like cat food." -Ralph

[jackvance]

One of the cleverest jokes in the Simpsons ever imo:

After a meteor disaster was averted.

Moe to the Springfield mob: "Let's burn down the observatory so this never happens again!"

[Jimmy Mac]

Mr Burns : "It's not rocket science, It's brain surgery!"

[Jibalob]

Marge: Homer, did you remember to shut the gate?
Homer: Yes Marge
*** sound of gate banging in the wind***
Homer: Ohhhhh.. you mean tonight?

[bode]

i bent my wookie!

[Anosmic]

I can't remember it exactly, but Wiggum says something like: "I don't understand what you find so alluring about my Secret Closet of Mystery!"

Among a circle of friends the word "Cromulent" has become commonplace. We feel it embiggens us.

[Pelion]

i use cromulent all the time

[biondino]

I have a tendency to insert "ma" into multi-syllable words. Edumacation. Incontimanence. Mamammogram.

Also: Super Nintendo Chalmers

[Jack Sawyer]

D'OH!

[swiggidy]

Not exact:

Lisa: Ooh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron!
Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and I want you to stop

[will641]

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer? - Chief Wiggum

[Apu gets shot]
Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.

[bigred]

Marge asks Bart where he learned such bad language, cue homer in background

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.

[Miffed22001]

Homer; 'spiderpig, spiderpig, does whatever a spiderpig does'

[flomo]

Homer: open faced club sandwich



ralph (after the flood from the simpson's front yard)
"i think i wet my bed"

[meeloche]

"Insert canyonero song here"

[biondino]

Kent: "So, what you're saying is that Mr. Simpson is a liar?"
Isotopes Pres: "No, but we did obtain this footage of him with his pants on fire."

[Halv]

Some not excact favorites:
Homer: "I never apologize, I'm sorry but that's who I am."

Homer: "A missionary? But I don't even believe in Jebus."
(and later in the episode "Save me, Jebus!")

Comic book guy: "A sarcasm detector? Thats a really useful invention!"

Marge: "Whenever the wind whistles I shall think Lowenstein, Lowenstein"
Psychiatrist: "My name is Schweig"
Marge: "Lowenstein"

And of course: "Vote Quimby!"

[Anosmic]

My two favourite Simpsons moments don't really qualify as quotes.

Lisa tells Bart to imagine the sound of one hand clapping and Bart proceeds to clap one hand. Genius.

The other was a TreeHouse of Horror ep, Bart is in the Three Bears' house and finds the first bowl is too hot and the second is too cold.
"Well this doesn't take a genius"as he pours the one into the other.

[DaNutsInYoEye]

Barney: I'll never drink again.
Film Festival Presenter: And your prize is a lifetime supply of Duff beer.
Barney: Hook it to my veins!

Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

[Galapogos]

Homer: Everytime I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: That's because you were drunk!

Homer: And how...

[will641]

responding to the women of springfield that demand for a prohibition after bart gets hammered on st. pattys day

Chief Wiggum: Ladies please, all of our founding fathers, astronauts, and world series heroes have all been either drunk or on cocaine.

[givememyleg]

ive never really liked the simpsons

[pgil]

ive never really liked the simpsons

it must be hard living with a learning disorder

[Galapogos]

ive never really liked the simpsons

it must be hard living with a learning disorder

ZING!

[silu73]

PRAY FOR MOJO!!

[givememyleg]

ive never really liked the simpsons

it must be hard living with a learning disorder

ZING!

i dont get it

[meeloche]

"Clown college, pfft you can't eat that"

[holdin2]

Skinner: Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are
thrifty with courage, too. [slap]
Willie: Okay, Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your
Willie around. I quit!


Homer: "I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."

[pantherhound]

Marge: Homer, I do not want you to go and stalk Lenny and Carl.
Homer: Relax Marge, I'm just going outside for a while...to...stalk. Lenny..and Carl........D'OH!

[will641]

Burns: Smithers are they booing me?
Smithers: No sir, they are saying boo-urns.
Burns: Are you saying 'boo' or 'boo-urns'?
Crowd: Boooooo.
Hans Moleman: I was saying boo-urns.

[Galapogos]

Homer (in his fake voice): "Hello, my name is mister Burns, I believe you have a letter for me."
PO Worker: "Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name?"
Homer (in his fake voice): <pause> "I don't know.."

Now sitting on the steps in front of the USPS Homer looks at Bart and says:
"Pbbppht.. nice plan Bart."

[Galapogos]

In the espisode where Bart is applying to be Mr. Burns' heir Homer hands him some cue cards to read that he wrote out for Bart the night before.

Bart: (reading Homers cue-cards) Hello Mr Curns... I bad want money now, me sick.
Homer: ooh, he card read good!
Bart: So pick me, Mr Burns.
Homer: It's Curns!
Marge: No it's not!

[ttanaka]

Great thread, here's one of my fav's:

Scientist: We could remove the crayon for you. It could vastly improve your brainpower... or it could possibly kill you.

Homer: Increase my killing power, ay? Let's do it!



(I dugg this thread, you should too)

[BankItDrew]

Best Simpson's quote ever!!! :::

During one of the tree house of horrors episode, the Simpson's family are escaping from some gawd awful place. Homer is killing zombies with his shotgun left and right. *BANG* Homer shoots Flanders in the head.

Lisa: "You just killed zombie Flanders!"
Homer: "Flanders was a zombie?"

[boost]

"super nintendo chalmers" -ralph

[will641]

Krusty singing a song for the inmates at springfield pen.

"I slugged some jerk in Tahoe, they gave me 1-3, my high price lawyer sprung me on a technicality. I'm just visiting springfield prison...I get to sleep at home tonight..."

[DrivingDog]

I like Chief Wiggum the best.


1) Wiggum catching Sideshow Bob.

Wiggum: Wah, it's a good thing you stumbled on this brothel.

Bart: Take him away boys!

Wiggum: Hey, I give the orders around here...bake him away toys!

Lou: What's that chief?

Wiggum: Ah, just do what the kid says.



2) Lou helps catch Sideshow Bob and his brother.

Wiggum: That's good work Lou! I'll see you make Sargeant for this.

Lou: Uh, I already am Sargeant, Chief.

Wiggum: Watch it Lou, or I'll bust you down to Sargeant so fast it'll make your head spin.


3) Wiggum doing his corrupt cop act, pulls over Homer.

Wiggum: Ah, got a bit of problem with one of your tail lights Simpson. Kept blinking when you made that turn back there.

[drmcboy]

Skinner: All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph: I won, I won! [walks on stage]
Skinner: No no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

[drmcboy]

Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: [barely in control] Bart Simpson? Ha! The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and [maliciously] sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole" when you could have said, "peepee-soaked heckhole".
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.



Hibbert: But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. So, we did the only humane thing.
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.


Bart: Wow, cool, God is so in your face!
Homer: Yeah, He's my favorite fictional character.

Marge: [cheerful:] Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
Bart: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do -- knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out... [pulls out a talking fish]
Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three --
Bart: [guts the talking fish] Knife goes in, guts come out.
Lisa: Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song!
[a squid sings on a television high above the workers]
Squid: Knife-a goes in, a-guts come out [guts itself] that's what Osaka Seafood Concern is all about.

[Ragnar4]

Homer: All work and no beer make homer go.... make homer go.... homer go.... go...
Marge: Go crazy Homie?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!

[kingnat]

Moe in the lie detector test (from memory)

Moe: "Can I go now? I gotta hot date tonight." EEHH
"A date." EEHH
"Dinner with friends." EEHH
"Dinner alone." EEHH
"Watching TV alone." EEHH
"ALRIGHT.. I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog." EEHH....
.
.
..."Sear's catalog." DING!

[frosst]

do the bartman

[Galapogos]

When Smithers is stumbling home in a drunken mess and runs into Grandpas friend (can't remember his name)

Grandpas friend - "Hey! This sidewalk's for regular walkin', not fancy walkin'!"

[will641]

When there is a bear in springfield they shoot it with a tranq gun. They also shoot Barney

Wiggum - "Alright boys book 'em. one count for being a bear. (then points to barney)...and uh, on count for being an accessory to being a bear.

[Galapogos]

Mr. Burns: Who is that lavatory links man, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his (imitating Nixon) "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" (Smithers laughs)
Mr. Burns: I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
Mr. Burns: Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

[DrivingDog]

The kids get stuck on the that deserted island. Ralph eats a handful of berries.

Lisa: How do the berries taste Ralph?

Ralph (cluthing his stomach): They taste like burning.

[allabout]

Ralph : The doctor said my nose wouldn't bleed so much if I keep my fingers out of there.
Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

[DrivingDog]

Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson, you're husband's been found DOA.
Marge: Oh my God!
Wiggum: Did I say DOA? I meant DUI. I always get those two mixed up.
Lady: I'm here for my husband. You said he was DUI?
Wiggum: Uhhh, you should talk to that officer over there.

Wiggum answering the phone at HQ:

1)For crying out loud, can't you people solve your own problems? I mean we can't be "policing" the whole city.

2) I'm very sorry, we can't go look for your missing son. We're very busy. I'm sorry.
(then to a dog he's playing checkers with): King me.

3) No, this is nine one...two.

[will641]

Fat Tony: How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? Here, hold the money.
Rex Banner: Hmm...that feels good. No!
Fat Tony: Alright, I guess we'll just stick to smuggling heroin
Rex Banner: See that you do!

[pantherhound]

wiggum: aliens? sure, i'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter!
Crazy guy: I've set fire to a building and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Wiggum: Oh sure, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter! Da, da, da, fruitcake.