You need advice? The Doctor is in (5 cent charge applies)

[BennyLaRue]

I'm bored. I'll give anyone advice in this thread. I'm an expert in pretty much all areas, especially wrt salad dressings, teeth brushing and the art of makin babies. GOGOGOGO!

No refunds.

[DropTheBanana]

I'm wearing a seersucker suit to my wedding in the spring. Likewise, my groomsmen will also be wearing matching suits.

My fiance wants us to wear brown loafers w/ a brown belt, but I feel white suspenders w/ white bucks is definately the best way to accessorize this baller fabric.

How do you feel about both options?

[BennyLaRue]

Dear DropTheBanana,

Unless your fiance used to be or is still a man, this is a decision best left to you. What's next? Will she tell you how to shave? Correct your BBQ technique? Have a stern discussion with the woman. You need to set ground rules, lest tomorrow she be using your hammer drill.

As an alternative to your perfect seersucker accessory intuition, consider saddle shoes. Good luck on your big day...if you still want to go through with it after this drama.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[bigred]

If you had to be a serial killer, which one would you be and why?

[BennyLaRue]

Dear bigred,

My advice is that you leave the tri-state area. I've notified the authorities about your intentions.

Warmest regards,
Benny

[LuckySlevin]

well not really advice, but hopefully you'll play along.

questions

1. how did you discover poker?
2. how much are you up/down overal?
3. how do create such nice witty responses to litter the commune with merryment and cheer as you so frequently do.

Advice

If you would reccomend one country to visit for a couple of weeks, what would it be and why?

[kiwiMark]

I wanted to post something in this thread but have so far come up with no decent ideas. Please advise me on what I could post.

[boost]

How do you feel about the phrase "best of both worlds" when the subject at hand is trannys?

[a500lbgorilla]

When I stand up, I feel drunk. Is it vertigo?

[BennyLaRue]

If you would reccomend one country to visit for a couple of weeks, what would it be and why?

Dear LuckySlevin,

This is a highly personal question and if you could expand on your interests, I could give a better response. However, knowing what little I know about you (that you're insanely impulsive and perhaps unbalanced), I'll say...Columbia.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[BennyLaRue]

I wanted to post something in this thread but have so far come up with no decent ideas. Please advise me on what I could post.

Dear kiwiMark,

Maybe ask about decorating for the holidays or how to break the news to your loved ones about your anus surgery and how they might help you recover.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[BennyLaRue]

How do you feel about the phrase "best of both worlds" when the subject at hand is trannys?

Dear boost,

I think you'd agree with me that there are few absolute truths in this world but I think you've struck upon one...as long as we're not talking about the ugly ones. Viva la difference.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[NobleTruths]

When the jellyfish revolt against Poseidon, should the seahorses join them?

[BennyLaRue]

When I stand up, I feel drunk. Is it vertigo?

Dear a500lbgorilla,

The causes of lightheadedness are numerous: vertigo is certainly one but you'll find more commonly that the culprit could be temporary conditions like dehydration, the flu, a common cold, allergies or a transient hooker standing on your neck like you asked. It could also be more serious and long lasting conditions like hypoglycemia, stroke, the AIDS or a gunshot to the belly. The treatment that you'll find working best for you is really dependent on your situation and other symptoms but shotgunning a Gatorade is pretty much guaranteed to fix 98% of the above. Just try to stay away from yellow, as it resembles human pee and might worsen your condition by making you vomit.

But no, seriously, you have hypoglycemia. I can tell from here. Be sure to eat protein with any carbs and try to cut out white flour, caffeine and unnecessary sugar.

Warmest regards,
Benny

[BennyLaRue]

When the jellyfish revolt against Poseidon, should the seahorses join them?

Dear NobleTruths,

The Seahorses have few options and if we've learned anything from the Ancient Greek City States it's these two things: 1) sometimes past transgressions must be set aside in the presence of a greater threat and 2) men are for fun, women are for babies.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[celtic123]

Hi, Ive recently had 2 wisdom tooths removed. Will this affect my sperm count ?

[supa]

I was driving home from work today and the only station that would come in on my stereo was that song by Alanis Morissette where she's calling everything in the song ironic but none of it's really ironic because it's just bullshit that happens and you just fucking deal with it like everyone else does and not go write a fucking song about it and maybe just have your cigarette break somewhere away from the no smoking sign and then your life could be fucking peachy.

So can Canada take that bitch back or what?

Oh, and is it ironic that I'm asking you?

[bigred]

When is this thread going to be funny?

[supa]

...and maybe help me fix my run on sentences?

[BennyLaRue]

Hi, Ive recently had 2 wisdom tooths removed. Will this affect my sperm count ?

Dear celtic123,

It's true that physical trauma can have at least a temporary impact on sperm count. But let's be honest; a man of your age and complexion produces about 7 sperm at a time so we might be talking about a decrease to 3 or 4 per ejaculation.

Also, the plural of tooth is teeth. You guys might have invented the language but you've certainly fucked it up since then.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[bigred]

Dear celtic123,

.

Also, the plural of tooth is teeth. You guys might have invented the language but you've certainly fucked it up since then.

Ha! That's what I'm talking about!

[BennyLaRue]

So can Canada take that bitch back or what?

Dear Supa,

I encourage you to look up the definition of advice. You'll find your life will become richer once you understand what words actually mean.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[BennyLaRue]

When is this thread going to be funny?

Dear bigred,

While psychological traumas are certainly hard to overcome, you'll need to get over the time I suggested that your mother would lock herself in the bathroom on a weekly basis and used a sexual aid to the mental image of Tom Selleck. Locking up your emotions is never a helpful endeavor.

Professional advice can and should be sought in your case. I'd imagine your employer has some sort of Employee Assistance Program to help to this end. If you're unsure, speak to your Human Resources representative.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[supa]

I want my nickel back.

[BennyLaRue]

I want my nickel back.

I said no refunds!

[supa]

That's cool, they're a crappy Canadian band too!

[boost]

That's cool, they're a crappy Canadian band too!

bravo.

[kiwiMark]

Also, the plural of tooth is teeth. You guys might have invented the language but you've certainly fucked it up since then.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

Have you seen what he's supposedly banging? It's understandable that "tooths" is at the forefront of his brain.

[celtic123]

Dear celtic123,



Also, the plural of tooth is teeth.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

Dear BennyLaRue


Sperm count advice appreciated . Considering my age and complexion.

I beg to differ on the use of plurals , put simply, which i excel at , many sheep are sheeps , roof is rooves so by my logic tooth are teeves or teeths.


Warmest regards
Celtic123 b 1964~present

[Luco]

Dear benny

This holiday season I have been overcome with my usual xmas depression and I would like to kill myself. Which method will provide minimum pain for me but maximum emotional impact for the persons who find my corpse?

Regards

LTF

[BennyLaRue]

Dear benny

This holiday season I have been overcome with my usual xmas depression and I would like to kill myself. Which method will provide minimum pain for me but maximum emotional impact for the persons who find my corpse?

Regards

LTF

Dear Lucothefish,

Yes, the holidays do seem to find a way to get to the best of us, don't they? I recommend an overdose of Vitamins C & D. About 60 mg of Vitamin C and 1000 IU of Vitamin D daily should do the trick. It will take a while but should satisfy the requirements you're looking for so keep at it! Feel free to indulge in food, drink and hopeful thoughts while you're at it because that will really help the vitamins along in their job. Good luck with your slow death.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[Luco]

Thank you kind sir

My next question - one of my work colleague's eyes go in two very different directions. Which eye should I look at when I'm talking to them? Should I avoid eye contact altogether?

[BennyLaRue]

Thank you kind sir

My next question - one of my work colleague's eyes go in two very different directions. Which eye should I look at when I'm talking to them? Should I avoid eye contact altogether?

Dear Lucothefish,

Lazy eye, or Amblyopia, can be extremely frustrating for those around the affected individual. Why should any one person be allowed to let any part of themselves do less work than his or her coworkers? The lazy must be forced out of the individual and, assuming they have one industrious eye, there are three effective methods for doing so:

- First, attempt to forcibly patch the individual's good eye. Adhesive eye patchs suitable for this use are available at most pharmacies. This treatment forces the lazy eye to finally do some work for once.
- Second, making direct eye contact and staring intently at the individual should eventually straighten everything out as the lazy eye will begin to understand its role. No matter what the affected individual does, don't stop staring. You never know when the lazy eye will pop back into place but you'll hear it when it does.
- Third, a closed fist punch right on the bridge of the nose will disorient the eyes and recalibrate everything in there. The eye will "forget" to be lazy. To protect your hand, wrap it in duct tape.

In the event that both eyes are as lazy as my father, jump right to Option 3. In extreme cases, you might find that the individual may need 3 to 5 rounds of treatment.

As a last resort, stick a bottle of cheap liquor in his or her desk drawer, spilling some on the desktop. Leave the drawer slightly ajar, enough so that when a supervisor or executive walks by it will be visible. This won't correct the deadbeat eye but should rid you of the problem of looking at it.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[jyms]

5 star thread IMO

[Warpe]

Dear Benny,

Michael J. Fox's role as Scott Howard in the movie Teen Werewolf, as a high school teenager who discovers he's a werewolf, is probably one of the most underappreciated performances ever to grace the silver screen. Now that there are rumors of Mr. Fox reprising his role in a sequel (the studio hasn't denied it), what advice would him?

[WillburForce]

What came first the chicken or the bucket?

[philly and the phanatics]

Dear Benny,

Michael J. Fox's role as Scott Howard in the movie Teen Werewolf, as a high school teenager who discovers he's a werewolf, is probably one of the most underappreciated performances ever to grace the silver screen. Now that there are rumors of Mr. Fox reprising his role in a sequel (the studio hasn't denied it), what advice would him?

i got this one for you benny....tell him to stop shaking they are trying to film a movie for fucks sake.

as for Benny, when are you going to kill yourself because the real world doesnt know the funny hilarious benny la rue from FTR.com, only the stalker that likes to expose himself to lakers cheerleaders.

also at celtic, your defense for why its not teeth is the dumbest thing i have ever heard, get yourself checked out before you have sex with anyone else, you might be contagious.

[a500lbgorilla]

Doctor, is there any way that I could possibly shrink my enormous testicles? It's below freezing outside and I'm still lugging around these swinging watermelons. Is surgery my only option?

Please help.

[bigred]

Why are you carrying around other people's testicles?

[a500lbgorilla]

Doctor, I'm trying to get rid of this of ugly big, red growth. I've been drinking plenty of 10% ABV fluids and eating plenty of fried food but it just won't go away. What else can I do?

Please advise.

[BennyLaRue]

Dear Benny,

Michael J. Fox's role as Scott Howard in the movie Teen Werewolf, as a high school teenager who discovers he's a werewolf, is probably one of the most underappreciated performances ever to grace the silver screen. Now that there are rumors of Mr. Fox reprising his role in a sequel (the studio hasn't denied it), what advice would him?

Dear Warpe,

I'm pleased to find another soul who enjoys this classic movie! My recommendation to Mr. Fox would be that he ensure it's a hockey movie this time or maybe Quiddich. Only freaks and terrorists like basketball.

Another thing: he should demand rewrites until he scores the hot chick at the end. I would imagine Boof is pushing 250 bills at this point. Having a scene where he rips apart Jason Bateman's character would also be desirable in a meta sense. Finally, three words: lesbian vampire secretaries.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[BennyLaRue]

What came first the chicken or the bucket?

Dear WillburForce,

Darwin's theory of evolution states that species change over time via mutation and selection. Since DNA can be modified only before birth, a mutation must have taken place at conception (ie. when a Mommy and Daddy really love each other) or within an egg such that an animal similar to a chicken, but not a chicken, probably a bear or shark, laid the first chicken egg. In this light, both the egg and the chicken evolved simultaneously from bears or sharks that were not chickens and did not lay chicken eggs but gradually became more and more like chickens over time. This familial relationship is evident in nature today as if you place a chicken in front of a bear or shark, no aggression will be displayed: the two animals simply high-five.

However, a mutation in one individual is not normally considered a new species. A speciation event involves the separation of one population from its parent population, so that interbreeding ceases; this is the process whereby domesticated animals are genetically separated from their wild forebears and foresharks. The whole separated group can then be recognized as a new species.

The modern chicken was believed to have descended from another closely related species of birds, the red junglefowl, but recently discovered genetic evidence suggests that the modern domestic chicken is a hybrid descendant of both the red junglefowl and the great white shark. Assuming the evidence bears out, a hybrid is a compelling scenario that the chicken egg, based on the second definition, came before the chicken but after sharks and bears.

That said, most chicken buckets are paper and paper production didn't begin in earnest until around 1981. Chickens have been around since, like, 1968. So, the answer is clearly chickens.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[BennyLaRue]

Doctor, is there any way that I could possibly shrink my enormous testicles? It's below freezing outside and I'm still lugging around these swinging watermelons. Is surgery my only option?

Please help.

Dear a500lbgorilla,

There are always alternatives to allowing sharp things near your man essence factory. As far as the transport is concerned, this is exactly what pull wagons are for. For a longer term approach, try a simple kitchen dehydrator.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[BennyLaRue]

Doctor, I'm trying to get rid of this of ugly big, red growth. I've been drinking plenty of 10% ABV fluids and eating plenty of fried food but it just won't go away. What else can I do?

Please advise.

Dear a500lbgorilla,

If you want to get rid of bigred temporarily, just tell him there is a sale on cufflinks in another state. For a more permanent solution, explain to him how NIN is for pansies who don't know how to release their own aggression and have to rely on others to do it for them.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[a500lbgorilla]

Why are you carrying around other people's testicles?

Hey, I have these all day spa + mani-pedi + NIN tix, you want 'em?

[boost]

explain to him how NIN is for pansies who don't know how to release their own aggression and have to rely on others to do it for them.

High Five.

[BennyLaRue]

Just a warniung. Any advice here on in might be drunk advice but it's still a deal at 5 cents.

[jyms]

Just a warniung. Any advice here on in might be drunk advice but it's still a deal at 5 cents.

Perfect timing for me then. Here's the thing. I am a beer drinker, I don't drink often but when I do I can drink enough. I drink tequila when the time is right and the party is well past post game in the dressing room or in the bleachers after a softball game. What's my question you ask? Well I want to take up a new drink, something that says "I'm cultured, I'm not a college frat boy and also be able to tell quality from antifreeze. I was thinking scotch. How do I go about learning to like it? what's the best way to start drinking it, maybe mixed, neat, or just thinned with water and ice? What brand to start?

[Imthenewfish]

Dear BennyLaRue,
How do you parellel park? If you hit the cars do you fail your drivers test?

[mbiz]

what if god was one of us? just a slob like one of us...

[BennyLaRue]

The Doctor is OUT. Will answer Jyms tomorrow-ish though because his is perhaps the most important question in this thread and perhaps on this whole forum.

[DropTheBanana]

^^^^
I agree. I'd go as far to say that whiskey discussion deserves a thread of it's own.

[Warpe]

Perfect timing for me then. Here's the thing. I am a beer drinker, I don't drink often but when I do I can drink enough. I drink tequila when the time is right and the party is well past post game in the dressing room or in the bleachers after a softball game. What's my question you ask? Well I want to take up a new drink, something that says "I'm cultured, I'm not a college frat boy and also be able to tell quality from antifreeze. I was thinking scotch. How do I go about learning to like it? what's the best way to start drinking it, maybe mixed, neat, or just thinned with water and ice? What brand to start?

Blended Scotches We Love - Forbes.com )

[jyms]

Thanks Warpe.

[mbiz]

no way, my question was awesome

[BennyLaRue]

Perfect timing for me then. Here's the thing. I am a beer drinker, I don't drink often but when I do I can drink enough. I drink tequila when the time is right and the party is well past post game in the dressing room or in the bleachers after a softball game. What's my question you ask? Well I want to take up a new drink, something that says "I'm cultured, I'm not a college frat boy and also be able to tell quality from antifreeze. I was thinking scotch. How do I go about learning to like it? what's the best way to start drinking it, maybe mixed, neat, or just thinned with water and ice? What brand to start?

Dear jyms,

"Scotch, scotch, I love scotch." - ancient unknown philiosopher

Scotch, like olives, Don DeLillo novels and cunnilingus with certain women, is an acquired taste. It might take longer for certain people to make that acquisition, but most get there if they try enough times. The premium blended scotches like what Chivas (goes great with fettucine alfredo, so says Hunter Thompson) J&B or Johnnie Walker (but not Red...I think Red sucks and it's not worth your time or money) produce are a good starting point - you won't know enough about Scotch yet to know what qualities you'll appreciate. Generally with blends, the higher priced stuff will be smoother but which bottle from those labels that you should buy really depends on the price point you can afford.

Have a couple of drinking sessions with a blend and then bust out a great and relatively inexpensive single malt you can find in any LCBO like Glenfiddich or Glenlivet. The single malts will have unique tones to them so you can keep trying until you find one you think is best (a probably impossible task but trying is fun). Whether or not you appreciate them more than a blend depends on your palate, really.

As far as how to drink it, forget mixing with a lot of soda or water. What's the point of taking a relatively expensive item and mixing it with a substantial quantity of something of lesser purity? You might as well stick with Canadian rye if you want to mix. I really recommend diving in. Start by drinking it on the rocks. If it's too harsh for you, wait 5 minutes...the melting ice will take away the edge of the burn. If you find yourself starting to enjoy it after a couple of drinking sessions, try it neat and see which is your preference.

Here's the thing though; everybody is drinking scotch now. You could say drinking scotch, even great single malts, has become downright plebeian. You say that you've got tequila experience under your belt (I'm going to go on a limb here and say you're talking about Cuervo, cheap Sauza or maybe even Patron by the way you said it) but have you ever really had a premium tequila? I mean sipping tequila. I mean quality Reposados and Añejos. I mean the shit that rivals the best scotches, vodkas and brandies for an epicurean alchohol experience. You could become the ubiquitous guy who really knows his scotch or you could be that pretty unique guy who knows his tequila, who blows people's minds by offering them a new experience. Which would you rather be?

First things first, forget Gold tequila if we're sipping. This is what a lot of people think makes for premium tequila but it's anything but. The colour is actually caramel (or sometimes just food colouring...oy) and masks the harshness of cheap liquor, making it better than blanco for shots but doesn't make for a quality beverage. Look for the terms resposado (aged 2 months or more in oak) or añejo (mucho aged - more than a year in oak) on the label. The aging really mellows the tequila. Herradura makes a good resposado and Cabo Wabo is good (but due to a massive marketing campaign, I think you'll find it overpriced) and you should be able to find those anywhere. Sauza Resposado is probably your cheapest bet and is decent but you can do better for even $15 more/bottle. Great but harder to find resposados/anejos are made by Don Julio. I don't think I've ever seen these at a regular LCBO, only at duty free and massive LCBOs like the Summerhill LCBO in Toronto. Don't waste this shit on shots, margaritas or other mixed drinks. This is for sipping only. Those are just a few suggestions, you'll find tons of tequila rankings on the net and there's no shortage of stuff to try.

Whatever you go with, good luck getting drunk in a sophisticated manner.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[jyms]

I like my tequila like my women, fast. I prefer to keep that altered part of my drinking life as is for now, but I love your idea of getting to know tequila better. Way better drunks on tequila than beer, mixed liquor or shots. I did do some reading and as you have stated, it's pretty much standard thoughts to start with something smoother and less peaty, like a blend (JW black maybe) that I can ice down or mix with some water or soda, or a soft single malt like MaCallan, Glenlivit or Glenfiddich. My two goals for learning to appreciate scotch is that one, like you stated, people are getting into it more, so many social gatherings are choosing scotch as a drink for sampling, conversation and some people like the ability to feel snobbish ( I like knocking these people down a peg when opportunity presents itself) The other is beer is filling, calorie dense and just not something I want to be drinking as regularily anymore and think in some social settings, I would much rather have a glass or two of a sipping drink and bring a bottle, than carry a case of beer and having to piss 15 times.

[supa]

Jyms, while it's obvious that the well respected Dr. has done his homework, I believe he resides just a few thousand miles to far to the north to fully understand and appreciate the not so subtle aspects of a good tequila.

Cabo Wabo is crap tequila. You may as well buy whatever bottom shelf tequila you can find and forge Sammy Hagars signature on it because that's what you're paying for. It's harsh, flavorless and just plain nasty. Hornitos is a better choice for the same quality but much cheaper. A great party starter is what we call "the mexican mood changer" consisting of a shot of hornitos and a can of modelo- slam the shot, then the beer- party on guillermo!

The good DR. is correct in suggesting a good anejo but don't count them out for shots. I prefer Don Julio and tho Patron isn't quite as smooth but both are good. The most important part about drinking good tequilas if you're having shots is the hangover is less severe than with crap tequilas (Cabo Wabo). Also, do not discount these more expensive tequilas for margaitas. Mixed strong with a quality mixer, the tequila flavor (especially anejos) comes through well and adds an enjoyable aroma that can make a standard magarita a thing of beauty (maybe the fat chick on the other side of the room too!). Add a floater of grand marnier and you have the "cadillac" of margaritas.

As far as scotch goes, leave it to the snobs. Do yourself a favor and try a Jack on the rocks. Like benny said, let the ice melt a little and it'll smooth out perfectly.

[supa]

Almost forgot, Don Julio is readily available in grocery stores here so you may not have a problem finding it where you live.

[BennyLaRue]

Jyms lives close to me. I'm afraid that our LCBO (gov't regulated hooch markets) doesn't have a lot of selection available so we have to work with what we're given. No question you'll get more and better varieties in the US, however.

That said, the LCBO does carry Hornitos but under the Sauza name (Sauza Hornitos Resposado).


Edit:JymsMoved the rest of the Scotch/Tequila/spirits talk to a new thread here http://www.flopturnriver.com/pokerfo...on-184442.html

[swiggidy]

{EDIT: moved my stuff to other thread}

My Q
I usually just ask for Whiskey or restaurant gift cards for xmas because I buy everything I want for myself. Any other suggestions?

[swiggidy]

After reading this page I will be looking for quality tequila next time I'm in a proper liquor establishment

[BennyLaRue]

{EDIT: moved my stuff to other thread}

My Q
I usually just ask for Whiskey or restaurant gift cards for xmas because I buy everything I want for myself. Any other suggestions?

Dear swiggidy,

What's the thing you're a nit about? That you love but feel bad spending money on? Some people can't get off their wallets to buy good cologne or signed Albert Pujols baseballs or a tattoo or framed nude photography or vacations (which people can contribute to through travel agency gift cards). Get people to buy you that.

If you have nothing that qualifies, how about...rub and tug?

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[kiwiMark]

My older sister's getting married. What should I get as a wedding gift? They've already got all the like shit for a house, so all the standard tat is kinda out the window. The gift has to be something that like works for both of them right, rather than just a gift for my sister?

[supa]

My older sister's getting married. What should I get as a wedding gift? They've already got all the like shit for a house, so all the standard tat is kinda out the window. The gift has to be something that like works for both of them right, rather than just a gift for my sister?

MONEY!

[kiwiMark]

that seems a weird gift for a younger sibling to give though, to me at least.

[swiggidy]

Breast pump

[Ragnar4]

Giant Purple Dildo.. clearly.

[triumphant cracker]

Blended Scotches We Love - Forbes.com )

mmmmm chevas regal is now my favorite.


thanx warpe.

[BennyLaRue]

My older sister's getting married. What should I get as a wedding gift? They've already got all the like shit for a house, so all the standard tat is kinda out the window. The gift has to be something that like works for both of them right, rather than just a gift for my sister?

Need more info. Age, economic status, what's the dude like, her reaction to the movie Titanic, etc.

[kiwiMark]

Age: late twenties

Economic status: at the end of this year is leaving an alright job at our court of appeal (not doing lawyer stuff, she has a psych degree) to go back to uni and do teacher training so that she can go on to become an educational psychologist.

Dude: into cooking, works in IT but is a people-person, it's his job to train everyone around the country when the courts get new software etc.

Titanic: whenever we're on any kind of water-vessel there's a lot "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD" and "HAVE LOTS OF BABIES ROSE" thrown around.

[BennyLaRue]

Dear kiwimark,

Minus any pre-established cultural guarantee that a wedding invite means handing over a fistful of cash, picked a wedding gift is a massive crapshoot for a dude. I mean, you might know what he'd really like and that's a nail-gun/Xbox/Neil Young box set/bottle/one-year subscription to Redclouds but somewhere in the distant past some fucker decided that the gift needs to be for both members of the happy couple. Whatever.

Ok, so cash isn't terribly sentimental but is always a hot gift. They would have received a ton of tangible gifts if they had a wedding shower and weddings cost a small fortune. Even if parental units are footing all or part of the bill, there's usually big expenses for the couple as well in terms of the honeymoon, gifts for the wedding party, celebrations around the big day etc. etc. Who wouldn't appreciate people chipping in on that end, even if you are a younger sibling?

There's a couple of routes you can go if you're still not keen on cash: 1) something they might be able to keep forever or 2) something they'll use up but provide a good memory. Almost anything that doesn't fit into those categories is a bad idea. Take electronics, for example. Two years ago, a Blu-ray DVD player was a premium item and would have taken a decent chunk of cash to buy. It might have been a temporarily impressive gift. Now, they're $89 and built to be replaced every couple of years. That's a massive failure as a wedding present because they'll be tossing it before very long and won't be telling interesting stories for years about how their love blossomed thanks to your gift - so much for your contribution to their life together, loser.

On the topic of things they might have forever, art can be a great gift provided we're talking classic subjects and tasteful colours. You said they have their house taken care of but are we talking entry level stuff? If he cooks, they might appreciate quality stuff they might pull out for family dinners for years to come, like a primo serving platter. That might seem lame to the children on this board but as you get older you start to appreciate shit like that. Go in with other family members if cost is a concern.

With respect to stuff they'll use up but provide a good memory, tickets to a show or concert are always cool. What else do they like to do? Get them a pass to a National park if they like trekking or a gift certificate to golf or a climbing wall if they've never done it before. Also, weddings are stressful bsns, so think of something that will help them take a load off afterwards, gift certificates to a really nice restaurant or spa (dudes like massages too), a basket to get them drunk and delivered to their room on their honeymoon (hello niece or nephew with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome!) or maybe even pay for a housekeeper for a limited time.

Lastly, do you have any appreciable skills that would be useful and of sentimental value here? If you're so inclined, you could build them something or shear their sheep.

Have a great time at the wedding. Pls to be taking pics of drunk chicks.

Warmest Regards,
Benny

[Vi-Zer0Skill]

I have some questions for the funniest poster in the Commune:

why Tom Selleck?

favorite beers?

Rolling Stones/Beatles?

Why can't I think of anything funny to ask you?

Sincerely,

Vi

[BennyLaRue]

Oh, shit, I have a degree in Doctoring? I forgot all about this.

why Tom Selleck?

Picture it. 1987. A very young Benjamin P. LaRue pedals home from school insanely fast with only two things on his mind...a Jelly roll and getting there in time for the start of Duck Tales. Taking the corner into the gravel driveway just a little too tightly, Benny skids. And skids. And skids. Blood, skin and guts everywhere. Gravel where it shouldn't be. He might throw up. He needs his Daddy. Yeah, Dad is always home after school. Dad will help. The door to the house is wide open. Benny walks in, tears like dirty streaks of frustration parting the pain, streaming down his ruddy cheeks.

But Daddy isn't there. Benny remembers Daddy left yesterday with the lady who smells like cigarettes and something sharp and sour he doesn't recognize, not yet anyway, not until a night in a farmhouse years later. The lady who wasn't his Mommy. And Mommy cried and cried. And his Sister cried and cried. Benny didn't get his bath that night.

Tears slowing and the great wracking of his body subsiding, Benny realizes he's in front of the TV. Glassy-eyed. Staring. And on it, wearing a Tigers hat just like Daddy's, is Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV. Someone left the TV on. The tears stop completely and the corners of little Benny's mouth rise just a little bit.

Ok, listen, it's possible I made that shit up (except the Jelly roll and getting home in time fo Duck Tales). Why? LOOK AT HIM! That's why. You can't beat that with a bat. Honestly, it was an ignorant question.

favorite beers?

I mostly prefer light pilsners, Heineken or Keith's (which might not be available in the US or abroad, not sure - and before you beginner beer snobs point out it's an IPA ((something the upper level beer snobs would likely deny (((and while we're at it, they'd really get on me for drinking a lot of Keith's White last summer((((not that I'm saying it's a light pilsner (((((or IPA))))or anything))))))))), let's be honest, it's really not).

Rolling Stones/Beatles?

Stones. Not a doubt in my mind.

Why can't I think of anything funny to ask you?

I'll just throw out some things, tell me if anything sticks: 1) you had a late night with a furry, 2) you're a straight man and I don't mean not gay, which is fine, not everyone can be Joey Slotnick, 3) you're stressed about your upcoming operation/promotion/blind date/bed purchase or 4) it's your period.

[wufwugy]

Pretty goddamned sure there were no lies in Benjamin P LaRue's story