2014 Resolution: Become an Author, One Month at a Time

[surviva316]

Cheers and good luck,
PlayToWin

Thanks PTW! Some of those errors with spacings were due to FTR forum being glitchy. I fixed a lot of the copy paste errors in my first edit, but some slipped by me.

I've struggled with the phrase "without coming in contact with his victims" for sure. For a long time, it was something along the lines "without ever touching the scene of the crime," but never much liked that. I think the fact that he has a plan that's clever enough to keep him completely removed from the murder itself is enticing, but I'm not sure how well I'm doing it ("remote assassinations" is especially abstract). Could you clarify what you mean when you say it's simplistic?

The religious opium thing is meant to be a reference to Marx's "Religion is the opiate of the masses." I'm not shocked that the phrasing gives pause. I think enough readers have been okay with it for me to keep it for now, but yeah, I'd love to find a better way to word it.

And that brings me to the second sentence of the second paragraph ... siiiiiiigh. This sentence is my fucking Everest. So yes, I'm very open to recommendations. The reservation I have with your suggested wording ("He obsessively rationalizes skating by on a "normal" life with his lovely girlfriend--toking on the religious opium and snagging his piece of the economic pie. Surely his beliefs are worth living by ... ") is that I'm basically trying to say that He really really really wants to rationalize that life, and just settle with making a living with {insert worthless job} and find his purpose in {insert unfounded faith principles} but he just fucking can't. His aberrant rationalism won't let him; he can't find a single reason-based angle where that's tenable.

By the way, I'm not trying to shoot you down; just the opposite. Thanks so much for doing this. Often, when I try to explain with a sentence I'm having trouble wording, the explanation itself is a sentence. Maybe something like, "He would soooo love to just skate by on a "normal" life with his lovely girlfriend--believe that toking on the religious opium or snagging his piece of the economic pie constitutes as a purpose--but he just fucking can't find a rational support for it. And surely his beliefs are worth living by, even if they don't involve an invisible sky wizard?

This incessant brand of reasoning is the norm for spoony, and it pisses off everyone around him."

I don't know. Often the answer is just to blow up the whole thing instead of putting bandaids on an ailing sentence.

[PlayToWin]

Could you clarify what you mean when you say it's simplistic?

By simplistic, I meant that the phrasing is what I would expect 'average Joe' to come up with. It says what you want to convey but I would hold a publishable author to a higher standard. It should hold more mystery or intrigue or relay that this character has mack-daddy skillz, lol. Sorry, I'm just being brutally honest, as I'm sure the agent will be. But, I could be wrong.

The religious opium thing is meant to be a reference to Marx's "Religion is the opiate of the masses." I'm not shocked that the phrasing gives pause. I think enough readers have been okay with it for me to keep it for now, but yeah, I'd love to find a better way to word it.

Okay, now I get it. I think I would have understood it the first time if it had read 'toking on the opium of religion.' or actually 'opiate' is more correct. Is that too close to quoting Marx? That's a great quote, btw. So true.

And that brings me to the second sentence of the second paragraph ...

I see what you're saying. Just keep working with it.

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You should probably read this, even if you're not a fan of HST's books. It's his autobiography and details his struggles learning to be a writer and to become published. I think it would be a great read for any aspiring writer. It made me want to become one (in my fantasies lol); not necessarily become one, but it made me respect and admire them.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1..._Proud_Highway

Read some of the reviews to get a better idea about it.

I'd recommend the hard-cover which you can find used on Amazon for about $10.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listi...qid=1389067576

Later!

[surviva316]

Sorry, I'm just being brutally honest, as I'm sure the agent will be. But, I could be wrong.

Nah man, that's totally what I look for in feedback, especially for query letter because agents, by their own admission, read the slush pile with the most jaded, sardonic eye they have. What you're doing is much better than scanning it over and being like, "Nope, I don't see any comma splices. You're golden!"

I'll look into the Hunter S Thompson book. I read Norman Mailer's "what it's like to be a writer before you get to be as big and famous as I am" book, but that was before I'd read any Mailer, and the dude's opinions on anything aren't to be taken seriously, so I'm due for another one of those.