I hate my F-ing In Laws

[Ghaleon]

I'm not really stressing about this guy being supported by his mother. I realize that it doesn't affect me at all. Though I do think it's pathetic, and to those of us that have achieved success and financial independence through hard work and education, it's a little frustrating to watch. I included some of that info just to pain a picture of what kind of epic loser I'm dealing with here.

Ultimately though, it does come into play, like the example I gave about money to go to NY. Those kind of spats between he and his mother arise ALL the time, often in front of my kids.

Realistically, he's got some problems. He has some learning disabilities, and he did grow up fatherless. I understand that's led to some complications in his life, but he's almost 30, it's time to overcome. My wife has alot more sympathy though, and that's what REALLY complicates this situation.

There is an obvious answer here: He threatened me and made raunchy comments to my wife, I'm pretty sure there is a protocol that says I get to pound his gigantic nose through the back of his big boney head. Right?

Unfortunately, that approach is garaunteed to create a whole new set of problems between me and my wife. She's not willing to see things as black and white as I do. Her mom is old, and her brother is the only other family she has. So just cutting him out of our lives is not really an option. Especially now that he's sort of got his act together, it's a tough sell.

I'm kinda wondering how exactly I can make it clear to this dude that he's on SUPER thin ice, without causing a big scene.

[Penneywize]

ghaleon I think you're approaching this whole thing the wrong way man. I don't think you're going to accomplish shit by adopting such an aggressive attitude towards the guy. There is literally no upside to you beating the shit out of him, regardless of whether or not he has his life together. You married his sister, you've got to deal with this guy for the rest of your life bro. Or at least that's what it looks like on paper.

There is literally no way something like that would just blow over, even after many years have passed.

Basically you can:

1) clench your teeth and deal, and count the minutes till the guy leaves town... like pretty much 99% of people would do in a situation like this

2) talk to the guy about it, without getting all pissed off, and just make it clear that what he did was too much and won't be tolerated in the future. this won't work without you apologizing for vaguely threatening to kill him however.

the best outcome for you would be that this dude does get his life together and some time down the line you may build some kind of marginally positive relationship with him. yeah there's very little upside, but it makes little sense to preclude any chance of it ever happening. weird as it sounds, you should actually be rooting for the poor guy.

[Ghaleon]

There is literally no upside to you beating the shit out of him,

Except that it will make me feel really really really good. And honestly, after he got raunchy with my wife (sister or not), I feel I'm making an enormous concession by allowing him to keep all of his teeth.

Basically you can:

1) clench your teeth and deal, and count the minutes till the guy leaves town... like pretty much 99% of people would do in a situation like this

2) talk to the guy about it, without getting all pissed off, and just make it clear that what he did was too much and won't be tolerated in the future. this won't work without you apologizing for vaguely threatening to kill him however..

1) No dice. this is where I think I need to tell mroe of the story, but it's really long and I doubt anyone here REALLY cares. But the cliffs notes are a) he treats his mother like absolute dog sh-t, even in public.
b) He has no sense of how to be a respectful houseguest. I shouldn't find him at noon, on my couch, with his boxers around his knees, his ass exposed, and his face buried in a cushion soaked in his drool while the bed with clean sheets that I provided for him goes unused.
c) He says hateful and hurtful things TO my kids. He didn't like the way my 9 year old was acting on a family vacation one time so he got in her face and told her that he would buy presents for her sisters, but not her. The kid was devastated.

2) Oh we will have a talk. I am going to make sure that there is no question in his mind about what the expectations are. a) He is going to refrain from drinking, smoking, yelling, swearing, burping, farting, or even sneezing around my kids. b)He is going to treat his mother, my wife, and my daughters like queens. c) he is going to sleep in a bedroom, and he is going to keep it tidy. There's probably more, but that's a good start.

the best outcome for you would be that this dude does get his life together .

Completely disagree. The best outcome for me would be if a piano falls on his head.

[BennyLaRue]

I'm kinda wondering how exactly I can make it clear to this dude that he's on SUPER thin ice, without causing a big scene.

Because when he breaks through the ice you're going to...?