Read My Novel and Tell Me Why It Sucks (Parts 1-3)

[MadMojoMonkey]

I'm not at all surprised that the description is weak in several areas, but it's tough for me to spot all the obvious opportunities for myself because...

Identifying a personal weakness is the first step to becoming stronger.

Well, you're already NOT committed to a 100% 1st person narrative, so there's no reason the descriptive passages have to be in the voice of the protagonist. Consider the merits of a chapter from the perspective of a puddle that splashes sidewalk pedestrians on a rainy morning.

It seems like you're cautious to explore the "sensual" world because it's not something our hero would notice or talk about. You already point out some of the things he doesn't say (convo w/ gf). The things he doesn't notice can be equally telling.

[surviva316]

Well, you're already NOT committed to a 100% 1st person narrative, so there's no reason the descriptive passages have to be in the voice of the protagonist. Consider the merits of a chapter from the perspective of a puddle that splashes sidewalk pedestrians on a rainy morning.

It seems like you're cautious to explore the "sensual" world because it's not something our hero would notice or talk about. You already point out some of the things he doesn't say (convo w/ gf). The things he doesn't notice can be equally telling.

I'm not sure about this novel not being entirely in 1st person narrative. It's told entirely through spoony's journal.

Anyway, I was only giving reasons (excuses?) why the descriptions don't come naturally to me as a way of imploring that you continue to give me good feedback on areas where it could/needs to be added.